#1December 7th, 2007 · 03:23 PM
130 threads / 34 songs
1,413 posts
United States of America
Excalibur Would Be Nice

This song is not in a battle

So, here's a semi-completed version of a song that I posted in the Lyrics forum a long long time ago    See?  I follow through.  I'm quite sick at the moment, and my life is getting rather difficult to manage!  It'll all be alright in time, but for the next little while, I'm going to remain quite stressed and worn out. 

Anyway, I know very well that there are imperfections in this, but I'm posting it because I know that I'm not going to have time for quite a while before I'm able to do more serious recording.  This being the case, I really just simply don't have time to go back through and fix the problems in the recording.  If you can, please look past the problems and take it for what it is.

I doubt some of you older (as in older than me :P ) listeners are going to like this as much as some of the younger ones will.  Sorry.  That's just the way it is.  There's some definite modern punk influence once the second half of the song comes in.  You'll see what I mean.  Personally, I like it, but I'm aware that I'm presenting this to a wide variety of listeners who may not share my same opinion.  Just tell me what you think.

I wrote this a while back, and seriously.. it doesn't really represent my current style.  In fact, the only recording I've made out of my more "current" style is the Lock Down, Move On one... other than that, these recordings I keep posting are all from songs that I had written at least a year or more ago.  Just an little FYI

ps... my infamous piano-recording hiss is baaaack!  I tried to minimize it, but sometimes it's rather obvious that it's present

Excalibur Would Be Nice

A magic wave,
spells of indignation...
A feeling, a fire within,
tugs on my imagination
It says that you've done nothing wrong,
and maybe it's my fault
for staring so longingly at you
But you know deep inside
with the way you've acted,
well, you ought to lose sleep tonight

These fairy tales are just too far out of reach
for my grasp on reality
And wouldn't that be nice,
if you could find a way to disappear
and entrust your luck to that figure in the mirror?
Leave your fights at home
Leave your fights at home

A tear escapes to think that you would do this
A sigh behind closed doors
won't fall on anyone's ears,
which means that once again,
I'm back to searching
Hopefully this time,
I'll find something sharper...
Something that'll make history
for every other poor, subdivided heart out there

These fairy tales are just too far out of reach
for my grasp on reality
And wouldn't that be nice,
if you could find a way to disappear
and entrust your luck to that figure in the mirror?
Leave your fights at home
Leave your fights at home

I've got a love sick mind that says
you've done nothing wrong,
and maybe it's my fault...
But is it wrong that I want to cut you down?
Cut you down...
Cut you down...
We'll slowly turn the tables until I've cut you down

Just leave your fights at home
I never wanted to own your ability to think,
and I thought that you knew better
I wish it was you who was standing on the streetside,
in the pouring rain,
waiting for an angel
And wouldn't that be nice,
if you could find a way to disappear
and entrust your luck to that figure in the mirror?
Leave your fights at home
Leave your fights at home

I've got this jewel you missed
It's in the shape of my heart,
but you can't see through it,
to see my movtivating factors in all of this
I wanted to...
I wanted you to fall in love with not just anyone

Just leave your fights at home,
because you're never alone
It's no tradgey to think that you'll realize that you're no better
And I wish it was you who was standing on the outside,
you poor inconsiderate---
I'll cut you down
And wouldn't that be nice,
if you could find a way to disappear
and send us your love,
instead of keeping it in your dresser drawer
Best of luck to you---
Leave your fights at home

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#2December 7th, 2007 · 03:59 PM
31 threads / 19 songs
612 posts
I must be Old!
Track reminds me of The Used ( pretty sure it's them, I'm old and not hip anymore) right away...mostly your vox and the structure. I love/hate the melody and vocal delivery ...sometimes I hear the despair and longing I believe the song needs but sometimes your almost crossing the line into whining and feeling sorry for yourself...EMO right? The term used..I'm not saying you are..I think I would love to hear some more instrument accompaniment...violin..maybe some brass? OK..The song is almost over..I've had enough...( Must be my age...32 btw.)I actually do like this and think it has lots of potential...It just doesn't go anywhere..the fine line I was speaking of earlier was eventually crossed near the end..So yeah more instrument accompaniment....a break in the structure somehow.....a half tablespoon less of whining...

PS Love the piano and Ive told ya before but you have the best name on here and for a band/solo artist.
#3December 7th, 2007 · 06:17 PM
74 threads / 3 songs
529 posts
Cook Islands
It is a bit of The Used-ed ish mixed with some All American Rejects.
IMO,in some parts it feels like it got out of time a little or it could just be Whimpy.

When you(or whomever) does the screaming part,sounds awesome!Maybe bring that out just a tad more(or maybe thats just the part of me that likes screaming lol)
Piano is very nice and the hiss is only sometimes noticeable.

But also in some parts you seem very unsure of yourself.Don't be!It's great!
Keep it up :]

will rate!
p.s love the lyrics!
#4December 7th, 2007 · 06:55 PM
130 threads / 34 songs
1,413 posts
United States of America
okay, so take this as a point proven so far

TonightsLastSong wrote…
I doubt some of you older (as in older than me :P ) listeners are going to like this as much as some of the younger ones will.  Sorry.  That's just the way it is.
BasketCase wrote…
I've had enough...( Must be my age...32 btw.)

thanks, both of you for the comments.  BasketCase, I understand what you're saying, and I agree with you on several points, such as the moving-to-a-whine thing, and about the emo tag    This is very much the definition of an emo song, even by 80s terms... soft and quiter, breaks into something much more nutty vocally, with screaming.  i'm not normally like this for the songs i've been writing most recently ... this is sort of different than what i write.  i like music like this, but i don't normally write it. 

MM, the lyrics just rolled out when I began writing them over a year ago now.  I was really happy with them, and I could hear the whole song in my head, and it's been that way for the last year, until I finially finished this recording today... my health may have taken a blow, as I'm sick, but i just had to finish it after these long months.

as for the being unsure of myself... that's very possible   though admittedly, it took a lot of effort to get it out there with my throat today    I did keep the screaming part a more in the background, as i wasn't sure about the reaction from the crowd here.  perhaps i'll bring it out more.

thanks again, the both of you
#5December 8th, 2007 · 12:30 PM
371 threads / 187 songs
3,365 posts
United Kingdom
OLD!! What are you trying to say TLS, Are you tyring to say my 47 years are well past it, lol.

For one such as young as youself you have a MATURE sound. hehe

When I hear your music It always paints a picture, so this means you have colour in your sound, Yes,
I can picture this being performed to a live audience in a theatre, with some actors miming to the music.
with a fantastic backdrop of a representation of this song.

Not bad review for an old fart eh?? lol

I wish you a speedy recovery and hope it doesn't spoil your Christmas.



#6December 9th, 2007 · 08:37 AM
1 threads / 1 songs
12 posts
United Kingdom
My 5p from across the sea
Hi really like the track the lyrics are great, i can imagine 'Something Corporate' doing something like this, ive always said i prefer their bonus tracks, theres more raw piano like this, if you havnt heard it, i reccomend  'Leaving through the window'.

Anyway, enough with the plugging CD's!

I listened right the way through, there are a couple of places where the voice is flat, i know how hard it is to hit those notes spot on, ive been learning for a year now, its not been an easy ride.  Your Voice sounds great to me, with some fine tuning could be amazing, have you ever looked up voice level singing on the internet? That helped me loads anyway.... you seem to be able to express the emotion in the words  

Myself and Dave have been working on a couple of piano tracks, so when we post i will definately look your way for your opinion, because i think our direction for this kindof track isnt all that different.

(p.s. i laughed when you pointed out the made up 'R' its something ive never noticed before, hehe)
#7December 9th, 2007 · 05:15 PM
30 threads
169 posts
United States of America
Hey I have been waiting, what, a year for these lyrics to be recorded? 

This is a pretty harsh review. Please don't take it personally, as it is meant to be strictly constructive and helpful, and assumes that you want to make this, your favorite all time lyric, into the best song it can possibly be.

First, I agree with what Basket Case said, but I am much more critical.

I don't think this music or melody does these words justice. Whereas the words flow beautifully on paper, they do not in your music. It sounds to me like you have forced them into a rhythm, and maybe a genre, that don't showcase them well, regardless of whether they are perfect emo lyrics.  The lyrics have a line by line rhythm that is missing in the song. It makes is very difficult to follow them. The lyrical complexity demands a more natural rhythmic style. It should still be sung slowly, maybe even slower than it is, but with a different rhythm.

Also, BC suggest strings, which meshes with my own feeling that there should be a soaring, spiritual quality to the music - at least to parts of it - and the rest should fit will with those qualities, not contrast them. That may be counter-intuitive to you, but it would be very effective.

Another thing I noticed, in your vocal delivery, is that there is little or no spacing between many of the words or lines, which makes the pace feel rushed, even though the beat is slow. Aside from allowing the words to fit more naturally into the music, some space between lines and words allows us to absorb their meaning and their essence much better. It also makes it easier to hear when one line (thought, idea etc,) ends and the next one begins. This is even more the case in a song like this, where the lyrics are so complex that to run straight through them makes it difficult to really understand and enjoy the song.

I also felt like it should be sung in a slightly higher key, and with a wider vocal range, which would allow greater emotional expression, if you have more range. Otherwise, I recommend having someone else sing it. Your voice is nice, but it is low. Slow and low sounds dronish (of that's a word) unless you can substantially increase the vocal range of the lyrics and hit some higher notes.

You wrote this, and have been singing it for a long time, so these things don't bother you. You aren't hearing it as a new listener hears it. It's hard to get the groove.

In short, this music is a poor showcase for great lyrics. I suggest starting over. I hate to be so negative, so understand that review is in support of your creating a great song out of your great lyrics.
#8December 9th, 2007 · 06:16 PM
130 threads / 34 songs
1,413 posts
United States of America
re: finally
Hey, no worries, my friend   I understand exactly where you're coming from, Simon.  Heck, I don't think that this is the best way to render the lyrics either, though this is how it came to me last year.  The structure is identical to the way I conjured it up in my head back then, and honestly the only thing I've really added to it were the screams.  The music was made up afterwards in an attempt to reflect and accent the vocal melody.

It is most definitely within my interest to recreate this song in a different way for some future date.  I still am incredibly partial to these lyrics, and have been for a very long time.  I would love nothing more than to migrate them into my more current style ideas, to put in effect some of the very suggestions regarding rhythm, additional instruments (which, currently, isn't a viable option, considering my capability to undertake that phase of recording for the time being), and breaking up the lines.  Honestly, taking it up to a higher key hadn't really been something that I had considered doing at a song's-length application.

In my defense about some of the ideas presented so far, I'd like to say just a couple of things:

Remarks from BC:

It just doesn't go anywhere.
  Well, this depends on what you're looking for by it "going somewhere".  It does go very far if you look at is as a progression from an initial "dang, look at me and you, we're in pieces, and it's your fault" tone, to the realization and narrator's commitment to act, thus the them devlopes a stronger focus on the somewhat insane delivery of the lines "cut you down" and "leave your fights at home".  Thus, there's a progression of some sort, though I think what you're trying to say is that there's no musical progression.  Even at that, I would like to direct you to the next paragraph.

[this needs] a break in the structure somehow.....
  mmm... The entire theme of the song, both lyrically and musically was one of changing; one half of the song was spent in a certain style, while the second half changes.  Heck, as I was recording it, I decided that upping the tempo for the 2nd half was a wise decision, given the style that the musical rendering of this song was turning into.  And how's the bridge (what I called the "Linker" in my project files, which beings with the words "I've got this jewel you've missed...") for changing the structure.  To be honest, I wanted to thrash every "rule" about song structure as I wrote this song.  There were absolutely no preconcieved notions about what I "had" to do for this to qualify as a piece of lyric or music.

Notice the complete lack of verse - chorus - verse - chorus - bridge - chorus - chorus structure in the song.  Here, the structure changes all the time, and has no pattern.  At the very pickiest level, one could describe the structure of this song as verse - chrous - verse - chorus - modifiedVerseBridge - neoModulatedVerse - modulatedChorus - linkerBridge - secondaryNeoModulatedVerse - neoModulatedChorus    *pats after typing all of that structure nonsense*  

see my point?  the structure, in simple terms, is constantly on the fritz.  Nothing about this song stays within a single structural element for more than one stanza.

okay, sorry to keep you waiting Simon--- now here are my comments about what you have had to say:

Remarks from Simon:

I also felt like it should be sung in a slightly higher key, and with a wider vocal range, which would allow greater emotional expression, if you have more range.

actually, this is exactly the mode of thinking behind my year-ago mind when I came up with something for a melody; the beginning of the song was going to start very soft (and actually, in my eariliest ideas, the initial 2 choruses were going to be lower, to keep the slower pace of the verses), and then the song would completely up it's melody into the 2nd octave range.  The part of my musical mind that survives through the last year says this in recoil: A wide vocal range and emotional soundscape were exactly the points I had in mind.

Now, to fast forward into the present-day Me, I'd certainly like to make up a new edition of this song that falls more into what you've described, Simon, particularly aobu the additional instruments and having a new rhythm.  A new, interesting rhythm to help carry the song into the mind of the listener would be fantastic for the song.  which brings me to......

The lyrical complexity demands a more natural rhythmic style.

by all means.  In fact, my earliest ideas for the music were in a 6/4 time signature, and not an overly-used 4/4 tradictional Common time.  I abandoned this early on (which was a mistake, I think) because I had a more natural tendancy to write to 4/4 and not 6/4 or other signatures.  Anyway, that's an entirely different topic, but that was the reasoning for myself at the time.  But that only addresses time signature, and not the actual rhythm itself, which could very well still come off as bland in a 6/4 time if I were to write it to be bland.  Thus, the issue doesn't really reside in the time signature as much as it does the time put into devising a rhythm that perfectly complements the words, even if it is in common time.

Your voice is nice, but it is low. (there was more to the comment than that, which is relavant, but I'm only referring back to the general area of your post.

Interestingly, this song is lower than my others, I think.  I've done higher ranges for other songs, posted here and not.  I personally think the verses get a little "dronish" as well--- you're not alone in this thinking.  I, on the otherhand, can live with it since it's been in my head like that for so long.  All of that said, the lyrics were always the focus of this song for me.  Even as I sang the song to myself hundreds of times, it was the words I was in love with, and the melody just sort of did whatever.  The words always distracted me   Perhaps this was the grave error of my time spent on the song a year ago: I didn't concern myself so much with the music as much as I did with the words.  That seems to be the motto for this song!

and finally... regarding other commentary:

haha... Yes, James, I'm a big fan of Something Corporate, and Leaving Through the Window is a great CD! 

Denis, I thank you very much for the review!  You've done wonderfully for an "old fart" haha... I think very highly of you, my friend.  I hope you never take any of my "old" commentary as a permenant critique towards the more aged and more experience populace.  Have a merry merry christmas, yourself as well!

And to all of you

Thanks for the wonderful posts and time spent listening / writing!

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