...the little old lady baring it all.... why do I suddenly have an urge to iron? he asks himself..oh well he mumbles to himself as he kneels before the little old lady and begins to......
...find that his eyes are welling up in tears. He is overcome by a a mixture of emotions...that he can't explain. The old woman pauses and regards him with a silent stare. He lowers his gaze and then finds himself struggling to find words. Eventually, he is able to utter one word....
"Mexico...." he says
Yes! Yes! Yes! Mexico! she urges him on with her eyes. "Papanewguinea" he pleads , YES ! the little old lady screams as she embraces him, cradling his face deep within the folds of her little old lady boobies. "The shoes! the shoes! the shoes were laced" he desperately needed her to understand. "I know I know" she reassures him still rocking toe and fro as a mother would a child, "you will get the hand-bag my boy, all in good time, but did you bring the kidney?" she stopped rocking and looked down at him questioningly "You did bring the kidney didn't you? We need it to......."
"We need it to retrieve our passports! Without passports,all our hopes and dreams are ruined! RUINED!!!"
"Yes,yes, I very well understand that," replied the man," but you don't even know my name.I don't even know your name!. My dear,how can we embark on this marvelous adventure if I don't have your name,street address,social security number,and mother's maiden name? Our plans!!! They are ruined!"
"Calm down. All you need to know is in the hand bag."
He walked across the bathroom into the living room/master bedroom/den and searched through the handbag. All he could find were the remnants of a granola bar, come cat treats, and an empty gun holster. He was frantic and quickly got up and turned around and saw the old lady with the gun in her hand.
"If you don't give me...."
"Yes,yes, I very well understand that," replied the man," but you don't even know my name.I don't even know your name!. My dear,how can we embark on this marvelous adventure if I don't have your name,street address,social security number,and mother's maiden name? Our plans!!! They are ruined!"
"Calm down. All you need to know is in the hand bag."
He walked across the bathroom into the living room/master bedroom/den and searched through the handbag. All he could find were the remnants of a granola bar, come cat treats, and an empty gun holster. He was frantic and quickly got up and turned around and saw the old lady with the gun in her hand.
"If you don't give me...."
"....a chance to finish my shower, we'll never get out of this room....and dear boy...would you be an absolute darling and put my gun back in that holster. I keep it with me all the time...even in the shower, but I feel safer with you here, now". He sighs with relief, retrieves the gun, places it back in the holster. She returns to her shower while he searches the room for a comfortable place to sit. "How can anyone live in such squalor", he thought to himself, as he uncovered a thickly-cushioned armchair. "have you seen Mr Britton?" the old lady called in from the shower. "Who" he said...."Raleigh Britton, the man who has our... "
"...copy of the obscure teach-yourself-spanish video i ordered in a preemptive suspicion that this would happen." The lady paused thoughtfully while exfoliating her skin in the shower. "You know," she continued, "he's the short, bald man, arm span of about 8 1/2 feet when stretching for the fruit loops on the high shelf..."
"Oh, right," the man replied. "Yes, I met him last week. Bad eyesight, if I recall."
"Ah, splendid!!" the woman cried from the shower, clapping her hands together a few times too many to be percieved as normal. "Last week, you say?"
"Mmhmm," the man nodded, sitting in the chair before him. "Why?"
"He's got my bullets." The woman spoke flatly, as if haunted by a recurring memory of snowshoeing on the frozen atlantic... where she lost her first kidney. "And my passport." She shuddered as the shower stopped.
"You know, I'm pretty sure there's a train to Mexico that leaves in about 25 minutes. My senses are heightened, and they tell me so. And where can we find Mr.----" The man's foot suddenly brushed over an out-of-place object on the floor, which had been lying partially under the chain in which he sat...
"Oh, right," the man replied. "Yes, I met him last week. Bad eyesight, if I recall."
"Ah, splendid!!" the woman cried from the shower, clapping her hands together a few times too many to be percieved as normal. "Last week, you say?"
"Mmhmm," the man nodded, sitting in the chair before him. "Why?"
"He's got my bullets." The woman spoke flatly, as if haunted by a recurring memory of snowshoeing on the frozen atlantic... where she lost her first kidney. "And my passport." She shuddered as the shower stopped.
"You know, I'm pretty sure there's a train to Mexico that leaves in about 25 minutes. My senses are heightened, and they tell me so. And where can we find Mr.----" The man's foot suddenly brushed over an out-of-place object on the floor, which had been lying partially under the chain in which he sat...
... He pulled the chair away from the wall and into the centre of the room. Now he could see the object under the chair.
The lady walked out of the bathroom, towel around her body, using another towel to dry her hair. "Doorknob!" she exclaimed.
"Door" he corrected. There was, in fact, a trap door on the floor beneath the chair. (???)
The man pulled open the trapdoor, expecting some sort of cellar, but was greeted by a dazzling light, shining from another world. He stepped down into this bright world, with the old lady following right behind.
"Oh, my!" The old lady said, and the man turned to look at the lady, but she was no longer wrinkled and old, but young, with smooth, glowing skin, and her towel was replaced by a glittering red dress.
Somewhere not too far away, a train station stood, and there was the train to Mexico, due to leave in 25 minutes. They ran over to the train station, drinking in the sunlight and laughing with a childish innocence. They were about to board the train, when a strange man confronted them.
"You can take this train to Mexico, but when you get there, you will be forced to eat the hottest chili in the world, or, you can take a cab into the city and try to make a career in pantomime. What do you choose?"
Go to Mexico: Page 159.
Take a cab into the city: Page 47.
The lady walked out of the bathroom, towel around her body, using another towel to dry her hair. "Doorknob!" she exclaimed.
"Door" he corrected. There was, in fact, a trap door on the floor beneath the chair. (???)
The man pulled open the trapdoor, expecting some sort of cellar, but was greeted by a dazzling light, shining from another world. He stepped down into this bright world, with the old lady following right behind.
"Oh, my!" The old lady said, and the man turned to look at the lady, but she was no longer wrinkled and old, but young, with smooth, glowing skin, and her towel was replaced by a glittering red dress.
Somewhere not too far away, a train station stood, and there was the train to Mexico, due to leave in 25 minutes. They ran over to the train station, drinking in the sunlight and laughing with a childish innocence. They were about to board the train, when a strange man confronted them.
"You can take this train to Mexico, but when you get there, you will be forced to eat the hottest chili in the world, or, you can take a cab into the city and try to make a career in pantomime. What do you choose?"
Go to Mexico: Page 159.
Take a cab into the city: Page 47.
... The man was suddenly aware of glittering stars just outside his peripheral vision and a slow ache behind his eyes. The old womans voice was in his ear and yet far away, " We mustn't miss the train to Mexico... If you ever want to see the handbag.... mustn't miss the train.....". In the distance, a train whistle blew... An elderly gentleman with a flat hat and a pocket watch was decrying, "all aboard....all aboard" The man struggled to see the train but the light was too bright and it hurt his eyes. The womans voice in his ear "mustn't miss the train". Another train somewhere near was passing and the man could feel the violent vibrations start in his feet, traveling up his body, making his head shake, giving him a terrible headache. The man clenched his eyes shut against the pain and slowly opened them again. Darkness, yes, darkness at first, and then a faint glow in the distance. Something huge and black traveling from the light to him, some shape that seemed familiar and yet alien. He drew away from the black thing, curling up like an infant against the dark. "We mustn't miss the train if are ever to see the handbag". The Old Woman? "What, wha happened?", the man stammered. "You fell, idiot!". "I fell?" whimpered the man. "Yes, you fell into the basement. the shoes were laced.................
"Yes!I'm fully aware that the shoes are laced!I knew meeting you was a bad idea! I should have never taken your shoes!", he yelled. "Calm down," the old lady retorted," now get up so we can go to Mexico."
"No,we can't go to Mexico."
"Well why not?"
"My dream said upon arriving in Mexico we'll have to eat the hottest peppers ever!"
The old lady began laughing hysterically. "Well of coarse we're going to eat peppers! They make me young again!See,I'm not really old. That Britton man I was telling you about. Well he's the one who sold me the 'Learn Spanish In A Matter of Minutes!' video. But I had no money you see, but he agreed to take my magical big toe. Which I had no clue what was keeping me looking so youthful! But when he took it,he said peppers would make it all better...plus I have been craving some pickled habanero peppers for quite some time..."
The man got up and found his backpack. He reached for it and pull it upside down, dumping the contents of it on the floor. He picked up a rather large piece of fabric with some embroidery on it. He hand it to the elderly lady and said, "Here.Take this. I can't go to Mexico. Quite frankly I'm afraid...Well you see...I have some obscure form of cancer/HIV/flu/neurological disorder."
The old lady gasped and plunked down into a chair.
"You see I got it from...."
"No,we can't go to Mexico."
"Well why not?"
"My dream said upon arriving in Mexico we'll have to eat the hottest peppers ever!"
The old lady began laughing hysterically. "Well of coarse we're going to eat peppers! They make me young again!See,I'm not really old. That Britton man I was telling you about. Well he's the one who sold me the 'Learn Spanish In A Matter of Minutes!' video. But I had no money you see, but he agreed to take my magical big toe. Which I had no clue what was keeping me looking so youthful! But when he took it,he said peppers would make it all better...plus I have been craving some pickled habanero peppers for quite some time..."
The man got up and found his backpack. He reached for it and pull it upside down, dumping the contents of it on the floor. He picked up a rather large piece of fabric with some embroidery on it. He hand it to the elderly lady and said, "Here.Take this. I can't go to Mexico. Quite frankly I'm afraid...Well you see...I have some obscure form of cancer/HIV/flu/neurological disorder."
The old lady gasped and plunked down into a chair.
"You see I got it from...."
"...a botched lasik eye surgery procedure I received last year....I should have never checked out that link on that website". "What kind of a fool chooses risky eye surgery from a link on a blessed website?", she exclaimed derisively. He ignored her question and stated in almost a whisper: "Besides, my vision is now irreparably damaged". The old lady sighed loudly, rose to her feet and walked over to gaze out the window. "So what am I going to do now",she implored."What a mess....here I am, far from home, holed up in some dingy apartment with a half-blind and infectious stranger...and on top of it all....no way to get to Mexico...everything is just ruined...simply ruined!". She slowly turned away from the window, walked back to the opposite side of the room, staggering slightly ("my God, she thought to herself, I haven't had a thing to eat all day") and sank onto a large overstuffed couch covered with dirty clothes, old newspapers and one Cosmopolitan Magazine featuring an article on "Five Creative Mouth Movements Guaranteed To Get a Man's Attention". The old woman became briefly distracted by the article. She picked up the magazine, and began leafing through it imploringly. Both of them sat in silence for several minutes. The man eventually uttered: "unless....." "Unless?" she echoed, glancing up from her reading. "Yep...unless". "Unless, what?" she crowed. He responded: "Unless you are willing to....."
... the man paused with a sigh in his voice, "Unless you are willing to locate the Mystic Leprechaun of Jersey with me."
Somewhat startled at the request, the old woman's eyebrow went up as her gaze stayed straight forward. "You want me to take your "half-blind and infectious" self to a friggin English island to find that blasted Leprechaun??"
"... You're not allowed to quote yourself, my lady."
"Bite me... uh... sir. What was your name again? You never told me," the woman said flatly.
"That's because I don't have a name. And don't even try teasing me. That was the beat of my elementary school drum. And no, I want you to take my lame embodiment to England."
"But his name... "of Jers---""
"Oh come on. That would make him far too easy to find, ding head." The nameless man put his head back against the nearby wall. "Police and the Lollypop Guild's intelligence outreach last reported him in Arizona."
The woman, rather surprised at all of this, from mr. Nameless to the Jersey Leperchaun in Arizona, swiftly grabbed a remote from between her chair's cusions and turned on a television set that neither of them had realized existed just seconds earlier. "Surely there's a report on it?"
Sure enough, the TV began spouting details on the Mystic Leperchaun... "who was most recently spy'd illegally entering Mexico's borders, despite earlier reports of his mobilehome/hotdog stand in Snowflake."
"Eff this, man. ..woman."
"Is there soemthing you're not telling me, Nameless?" The woman paused, the situation now narrowly upstaging in the magazine in her mind's stage. "You really don't want to go to Mexico, do you?"
"If only you knew...."
Somewhat startled at the request, the old woman's eyebrow went up as her gaze stayed straight forward. "You want me to take your "half-blind and infectious" self to a friggin English island to find that blasted Leprechaun??"
"... You're not allowed to quote yourself, my lady."
"Bite me... uh... sir. What was your name again? You never told me," the woman said flatly.
"That's because I don't have a name. And don't even try teasing me. That was the beat of my elementary school drum. And no, I want you to take my lame embodiment to England."
"But his name... "of Jers---""
"Oh come on. That would make him far too easy to find, ding head." The nameless man put his head back against the nearby wall. "Police and the Lollypop Guild's intelligence outreach last reported him in Arizona."
The woman, rather surprised at all of this, from mr. Nameless to the Jersey Leperchaun in Arizona, swiftly grabbed a remote from between her chair's cusions and turned on a television set that neither of them had realized existed just seconds earlier. "Surely there's a report on it?"
Sure enough, the TV began spouting details on the Mystic Leperchaun... "who was most recently spy'd illegally entering Mexico's borders, despite earlier reports of his mobilehome/hotdog stand in Snowflake."
"Eff this, man. ..woman."
"Is there soemthing you're not telling me, Nameless?" The woman paused, the situation now narrowly upstaging in the magazine in her mind's stage. "You really don't want to go to Mexico, do you?"
"If only you knew...."
".....what they do to guys like me in prison...They make me do the hand jive and the Charleston.Don't get me wrong,they are very good dances but there's only so many times you can watch Grease and sing,'There Are Worse Things I Could Do'. " Mr.Nameless sighed a very annoying sigh, and went into the kitchen to retrieve a rather large bottle of scotch.
"How do you know what prison is like,my dear? ",the old lady asked sweetly.
"Well,that's where I met the Mystic Leprechaun of Jersey.We had dreams of moving to Massachusetts and living the rest of our lives together crime free. But I had gotten out a few months later and he wasn't due to get out for another twenty or so years;he had stolen quite a few books on Scientology and sexually harassed Tom Cruise."
"But, how did you end up in-"
"It doesn't matter what I did,it matters where I did it...", the nameless man interjected.
He sat back down on the couch and guzzled down half the bottle of scotch and burped loudly.The old lady averted her gaze away from him look back down at the magazine. She began flipping through the pages and threw it on the ground.
"We're going to Mexico whether you like it or not!" ,said stated a bit too loudly.
"I told you already! We're NOT going!"
The old lady began crying and Mr.Nameless took large sips of the scotch. They were silent for about five minute when a knock came from the door,nearly knocking it over.The old lady's sobbing ceased and the man stumbled out of his chair and yelled,"Who is it?"
A burly voice replied,"It's me..."
"How do you know what prison is like,my dear? ",the old lady asked sweetly.
"Well,that's where I met the Mystic Leprechaun of Jersey.We had dreams of moving to Massachusetts and living the rest of our lives together crime free. But I had gotten out a few months later and he wasn't due to get out for another twenty or so years;he had stolen quite a few books on Scientology and sexually harassed Tom Cruise."
"But, how did you end up in-"
"It doesn't matter what I did,it matters where I did it...", the nameless man interjected.
He sat back down on the couch and guzzled down half the bottle of scotch and burped loudly.The old lady averted her gaze away from him look back down at the magazine. She began flipping through the pages and threw it on the ground.
"We're going to Mexico whether you like it or not!" ,said stated a bit too loudly.
"I told you already! We're NOT going!"
The old lady began crying and Mr.Nameless took large sips of the scotch. They were silent for about five minute when a knock came from the door,nearly knocking it over.The old lady's sobbing ceased and the man stumbled out of his chair and yelled,"Who is it?"
A burly voice replied,"It's me..."
"...My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die."
Suddenly the door burst open, falling flat on the floor, thrown off its hinges. A terrifying man in black spandex stood in the door way with a fencing sword and a Walmart bag chocked full of fingernail polish remover.
"Crap," the old woman and Nameless cried at the same time. Exchanging glances in a quick, confused manner, they both ran to the window, hoping to escape before the new man with the polish remover became too deadly. Inigo ran forwards at the couple and screamed in a surprisingly shrill tone, thus confusing Nameless enough that he actually stopped and whirred in place for a moment. The old woman ran to the window, punched it open, and ripped away her towel.
"OMFG no!" Inigo cried, hiding his eyes. To his astonishment, as he opened his eyes, the woman was gone! Running to the window, he peered out, only to find the old woman running at top speed down the street, dressed in a full out Australian SOG uniform and a deployed parachute on her back.
A sudden crash over Inigo's head sounded as Nameless' scotch bottle broke into pieces around him. Nameless stood, ran to the shattered window, jumped, and landed on...
Suddenly the door burst open, falling flat on the floor, thrown off its hinges. A terrifying man in black spandex stood in the door way with a fencing sword and a Walmart bag chocked full of fingernail polish remover.
"Crap," the old woman and Nameless cried at the same time. Exchanging glances in a quick, confused manner, they both ran to the window, hoping to escape before the new man with the polish remover became too deadly. Inigo ran forwards at the couple and screamed in a surprisingly shrill tone, thus confusing Nameless enough that he actually stopped and whirred in place for a moment. The old woman ran to the window, punched it open, and ripped away her towel.
"OMFG no!" Inigo cried, hiding his eyes. To his astonishment, as he opened his eyes, the woman was gone! Running to the window, he peered out, only to find the old woman running at top speed down the street, dressed in a full out Australian SOG uniform and a deployed parachute on her back.
A sudden crash over Inigo's head sounded as Nameless' scotch bottle broke into pieces around him. Nameless stood, ran to the shattered window, jumped, and landed on...
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