#1February 9th, 2008 · 04:29 PM
1 threads
Belgium
Lovely girl
One day I saw a girl
She was the sun on a cloudy day   
The other day she disappeared
Cause she forgot to eat

Chorus:
You’re such a lovely girl
Why couldn’t I met you before
I really need ya baby
Oh, when will you come back?

Let’s play prince and princess
You’re the princess locked in a castle
And I’m the prince on the white horse
Who’s going to save you
Cause you make me feel what lovers feel

You’re such a lovely girl
Why couldn’t I met you before
I really need ya baby
Oh, when will you come back?

You’ve taken over my mind
Sinde my eyes have seen you
You’re like a sorceress of love
Who has cast a love spell on me

You’re such a lovely girl
Why couldn’t I met you before
I really need ya baby
Oh, when will you come back?

Oh, baby you stole my heart
Can you please give it back to me
I know you’re a strong woman
I know you’re gonna be cured
Oh please come back, my sweet angel!

please give some reactions
would it be good to show to a girl?
#2February 10th, 2008 · 12:22 AM
27 threads / 2 songs
179 posts
Canada
Hmmmmmmm
Not bad. Spend some more time on it though. Could be good to emphasize the childhood romance part.

Try and keep things on the same track. The first verse starts like telling a story, while the rest goes on like you are singing to someone. A seranade.

Trying to find a common thread to pull it together, but cannot. She disappeared cus she forgot to eat? This begs to be allaborated on or at the very least mentioned why she didn't eat. If you give a why to this then it will justify her being cured at the end. unless of course you are curing her of being a strong woman...which might get you a slap! 

Hmmmm.....thinking as I type. How about focus more on a story line then professing undying love. The love part can be shown by the joy you felt in those childhood games of prince and princess. Now what could separate this song from other love songs could be the part where she didn't eat. Caused by family trouble? Depression?

Ok. So I am thinking, have the verses tell the story of her life past childhood. The chorus would be a snapshot of a time you cherish....prince and princess......then the final verse could be describing you on your white horse saving her....or at least the want to.

The main thing is: have a story to tell. If you have a clear idea of what story you want to tell, the words should just fall into place.
-Mark
#3February 10th, 2008 · 02:29 AM
27 threads / 2 songs
179 posts
Canada
http://forum.bandamp.com/Lyrics_Review/6897.html

Here it is. Probably not even close to what you were aiming for. But, this is the story that came to me when I thought of kids playing prince/princess.

As you can see, I avoided generic lines
as much as I could eg.

You’re such a lovely girl
Why couldn’t I met you before
I really need ya baby
Oh, when will you come back?

A chorus needs to be memorable. Try and find something unique.

I hope you don't take it like I am tearing you down. Just hope my advice is helpful to you in creating memorable and meaningful songs. We are all at different stages, including me. I am sure someone will go over my lyrics just as thouroughly.
 

If you need any help with anything feel free to send me a PM. I am happy to help. Good luck with the writing! keep posting. 

-Mark
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