Thanks to blueeyes ( a real cool down home musician) i kno what excat metering is and this song has it  ( i counted)
its ment to be a post hardcore love song no music in mind just the melody
anyway thanks in advance guys

Poisoned by Desire

Things around here have gotten abit crazy
Went to bed last night feeling hazy
It’s hard to pretend when I’m such a liar 
With all my thoughts poisoned by desire 

I woke up this morning right next to you 
Wondering what I was going to do
There’s Poison in my heart I can feel it melt
All I can think about is someone else

Looking through the eyes of another girl
Changed the way that I see the world
This life I’ve been living doesn’t seem so real
I know it’s not right but I need the (her) thrill


Two fangs of another filled my heart with fire 
One taste of her and I was poisoned by desire
Somewhere in the shadow of this vipers domain
There’s poison by desire running through my veins 

Deep inside her sweet venom has me hooked
One touch form this girl was all it took 
The thought of her venom has my heart on fire
All I crave is Poison by desire

Now all these days I spend my life trying 
To keep the truth from you by lying 
Hidden between the lust, and feelings for you   
Poisoned by desire without a clue 


Two fangs of another filled my heart with fire 
One taste of her and I was poisoned by desire 
Somewhere in the shadow of this vipers domain 
There’s poison by desire running through my veins

I find this a very enthralling composition..  and
even though it's very good, I really can't wait
to hear your idea of a melody.. hey in windows
start / program menu under accessories and
the entertainment, there is a simple wave - audio
recorder.. if you have a little microphone, then
you could actually even record it A cappella!!
hey, then go grab any of the freeware converters
to make it into an mp3...  which is bandamp
material!!
 The same way Swordfish helped me the other
day, I will add my two cents and humble
opinion...  that is as follows...

the line that reads "One taste of her and I was poisoned by desire"
works if you drop the and and just simply put a coma
in there... try it and see if it tickles your nipples.. if not,
didn't hurt to think about it, did it?  as for the above suggestion..
that was just an idea to get you started, ya know...

ok back to the lyric.. as I said, it's damn good!! Enthralling!!!


Blessings,

BluEyes

Yes! There's definitely something here. As a poem, definitely! As a song, a little less so. And this is why. I can see the depth and intricacies of your wording. And it is phrased quite nicely. However, and I may be wrong here, I don't see where the rhythm breaks up the song, it's all metered out in the same phrasing, so to make this into a great song, I just think maybe bringing in a new rhythmic and melodic pattern (i.e. a chorus) would take this lyric to another level, and played out as a song, it could really go the distance then, without dragging on (musically, that is, not lyrically).

So, that's my main issue with it, otherwise, I find it very engaging, great wordplay.

Cheers

WB

WB makes a very valid point, though I personally do hear it as a song, it would be a bit 'mono-tone' in its structure,but a good song never the less, given the right emotions.
I'd put 'her' thrill in, it takes it higher!
Are you not able to record or something?
It's like everything, once you know how to it's a piece of piss! 

But a good bit of writing I must say!

What about flying off on a chorus :

Poisoned by desire.....
Healed by fire.......
It's something in her kiss
That takes me higher

Hey guys thanks for all your comments.
WB its not that i don't know how to record its just that i dont have a mic to do it with and i also have a ton of adio converters (i use for my psp)
so i could record if i had a decent mic
as for the music its gonna be hard because
i have never written music (guitar/bass)
to any song i have ever written its not that
i can't think or better put hear it in my head
its that i cant convert that to my guitar
im working on that though and that is a great
idea about changing the chorus im going to elaborate
on the suggestion kings had i relized it was "mono tone"
going over it in my head this morning but i
just thought i was alittle nervus/paranoid
about postiong it on here but yea'll i work on getting
a mic I'm a little short on cash (it's really hard for 13 year old
to make cash in alabama but if anyone has a suggestion
for a good mic ( good as in cheap)
let me kno. As always thanks guys

                                                            Godspeed,
                                                           Jackson

Good news im going tomorrow to get a mic and should have a melody posted up pretty soon!!! im soo excited!!!

Cool, yeah, I don't have a mic either.
It's great that you're getting one soon. Once you have a rough version up I'm sure I could pitch more accurate ideas. Maybe I could help out getting music onto it. I know one problem with the lyrics forum is that the critiques are largely how the lyrics are interpreted, not how they sound, so things should be a lot easier with a mic.

Can't wait to hear it.

WB

Poisoned by Desire (reviside)

VERSE 1:
Things around here have gotten abit crazy
Went to bed last night feeling realhazy
It’s hard to pretend when I’m such a liar 
With all my thoughts poisoned by desire
Looking through the eyes of another girl
Changed the way that I see the world
This life I’ve been living doesn’t seem so real
I know it’s not right but I need her thrill
cause i'm....

Chorus:
poisoned by desire i need her
healed by fire so sweeter
theres just something in her kiss
that takes me higher
and if my love is any wrong
then i'll just sit here and sing my song
cause i dont wanna be right (tonight)

VERSE 2:
Deep inside her sweet venom has me hooked
One touch form this girl was all it took 
The thought of her venom has my heart on fire
All I crave is Poison by desire
Now all these days I spend my life trying 
To keep the truth from you by lying 
Hidden between the lust, and feelings for you   
Poisoned by desire without a clue

Chorus:
poisoned by desire i need her
healed by fire so sweeter
theres just something in her kiss
that takes me higher
and if my love is any wrong
then i'll just sit here and sing my song
cause i dont wanna be right (tonight)

VERSE 3 (optional):
I woke up this morning right next to you 
Wondering what I was going to do
There’s Poison in my heart I can feel it melt
Two fangs of another filled my heart with fire 
One taste of her and I was poisoned by desire
Somewhere in the shadow of this vipers domain
There’s poison by desire running through my veins
 
chorus:
poisoned by desire i need her
healed by fire so sweeter
theres just something in her kiss
that takes me higher
and if my love is any wrong
then i'll just sit here and sing my song
cause i dont wanna be right (tonight)

tell me what you think is the 3rd verse too much? and does the chorus how blue eye's put it "tickle your nipples"?        

Well, here we go! You've really made something. I think the third verse is great, I think it's all great! The chorus is just what it needed imo, so I can see it filling out nicely.

Cheers

You've done well.

WB

really its that good i mean... wow?
i was going through some guitar tabs and found a
song with no by: name here
soo will you tell me if some1 here wrote it
its called burining cities? anyone heard of it i'll post
it if its mine i dont remember writting it
but then again my moto is
"I live for nights i can't remember with girls i'll never forget!"

hey man i pissed i cant get a mic cause my sister has prom and we aren't headed to town crap!!!! 2 more weeks now!   unless... be right back

I am going insane because I am having to record
direct into the sound card.. very much the way
you will be doing when you get a mic...  I have
all these thousands of dollars worth of live and
old school analog recording gear.. mixers, amps,
analog decks, effects, then there's the midi side
of the studio... with programs like acid, cubase,
etc etc.. this stuff can be programmed to deliver
a full orchestra playing compositions... but for
me there is still that little element of the break
down between all of this expensive junk and
the computer.. when reduced to the very sickly
electronic translation of the otherwise flawed
sound card that is consumer level that you get
off the shelf or comes in your puter.. just as
you need a cheap condenser mic to get started
on a few beginner level recordings into your
sound card, I am in the same boat, needing
a combination midi - audio interface that would
connect serial, firewire or simple usb.. this
would help take my recordings on computer
to the level of professionalism I am more
then capable of achieving with my analog
equipment...  the same level I was trained
on sitting in front of a neve 8064... the
conversion between even the best of analog
equipment and digital memory has to be handled
with specific level of filtered interfaces that
can make up for the levels of noise and other
signal imperfections suffered from the lesser
magnetic medium such as tape or even older
forms - vinyl... I remember a time when, after
several generations of editing, would cause
so much loss of frequencies that caused
the earliest tracks to sometimes be completely
lost..  at least with grabbing your songs via
windows sound recorder, you will never loose
the exact melody you have in mind and the
rhythm of your songs... someday you too will
always be working towards higher goals.. but
for now, practice, be patient and learn every
last bit of information you can about the
technology of today as well as keep up with
every one of the newest innovations and
changes.. that way you won't get swept under
the rug with a massive talent that is left behind
because of the lack to keep up with how you
produce it!! learn it all on both instruments
that you can play yourself, to write it on paper
giving hard copy of your compositions and
lastly to program it... the latter does come in
handy when on a plane where you won't loose
a awesome idea.... you then will be able to keep
up and not become another ghost in the machine.


Hey, wordy I know.. preaching is not really my style..
it's just the only way I sometimes know how to effectivly
teach... 

You Go dawg....


Blue

ok guys this will porbably be the worst recording you have ever heard but... it was 3 a.m. when i recorded this and i have a cold so it songs awfull but you get the idea of what you need (the melody) i still have no mic but... i recorded over the oldest tape you could ever get lol (yea i kno thats bad)
and im screwing around with some 1/8" jacks to kinda make a line in mic i was just gonna let you guys kno it will be up in like 10 minutes!!!!

Hey guys,
I dont know whats wrong with me... I write a song, finally get finished and
I find fault in it and start rethinking it and its the same with this song
This song I HAVE to rewrite it has completely become something I
don't want it to be. I don't know how it happened but this song and
the melody sound preppy!!!!!!! OMG!!!! I'm really  pissed about this
I think i won't have to totally rewrite it just find a new melody
for it. I need it to sound more rock... I don't want to say make
it sound like this because it will end up being a paraody I just
need to think "What would the greats do?" If you have any ideas
for the melody or the song please post them here!! please