Suprised? Yes it's me, posting on the lyrics review 

This is my first try at writting lyrics in english, wich I made for my first song ever: http://forum.bandamp.com/Audio_Review/1287.html
I only have the two first verses so far but I'm working on a new version of the song and would like to know what you think of the lyrics, so please feel free to comment both on the structure, syntax, etc. and  what these words tell you (if they do tell you something  )

Thanks.


Bleeding Eyes
____________________________

Bleeding eyes,
Can’t stop the flow
(of) Thousands of dreams
And a buried soul

I’ll find your skin
Burned by the sun,
Your empty face,
Our sectret creed.

First of all you get my 100% respect for even attempting to write something in an other language! I wouldn't even try to.

I don't fully understand how Bleeding Eyes and Moons Angle fit together, but they are only titles.

As it is it's short but very potent.

I'd put the '(of)' in as the first word of the line, as in : 'Of a thousand dreams.....' it flows better (squse the pun )
The word 'buried' I find a little odd, but its OK because it's your story. To go from 'Thousands of dreams' to one 'buried soul' is a big poetical jump. but as I said it is OK.

I would personally swap 'sun' for 'heat' because of the rhyme. Flow/Soul and Heat/Creed.

And I take it that 'sectret' is a typo, and should be 'secret'?

I hope this makes some sense to you? Cant wait to hear the rest.

thanks for your comments, i find them very helpful. 

Well, first of all: yes, I should probably make all those changes, someone even told me before to change "creed" and "soul"... the problem is that I don't speak english so well yet to thinkin english, so all of my images have to be somehow translated and loose much of their sense on the way.  But yes, I'll make some of the changes you suggested. thanks a lot. oh, and it is "secret", sorry hehe.

Yes and that is a pity, it takes courage to do that, as I said I wouldn't put something in another language other than one I understand for that very reason. The meaning of my words is very important to the work I produce.

It seams like a difficult job, finding the right words for your personal imagery but in a totally different language.

If you trust the persons judgment and knowledge of English when they suggested changing "creed" and "soul", then maybe you should, because I obviously don't know what you are imagining, but they might!

If you have a finished written product and want any advice in which ever way, please post it, I would love to go through it for you and get it on the right track for your English audience, before you record it.

BTW when I said I thought it was 'potent' I meant it. This short lyric has thousands of years within it!

hey evil twin!! ;p

yeah i never thought i'd see u here! but here u are..

hey it's very good for starters and for a language othr than u are used to. I'd say kep it up, and the suggestions above are vey good.