http://kings.bandamp.com/

This goes with a song posted in the Audio Review :

http://forum.bandamp.com/Audio_Review/3576.html


I take her out into town
I take her on I take her down
God knows what she sees in me
But she just keeps me spinning

Around

Spinning wheel

Can you feel?

I see her passing every day
And sure enough she looked my way
I know what she does to me
I sure hope to heaven that I can set her free

Set her free

Spinning wheel

Can you feel?

I will stand my ground
As she spins around
I will be her lover
As I take her down

Take her down

Spinning wheel

You write cool lyrics. This one is good, and I can feel the music oozing out of it. I have a couple of specific suggestions, but if you want you can just stuff them down my throat.

I don't usually do this, but this piece is so good, these two things stick (to me at least) and say, "I can be a great song if you just reach down and rip your guts apart and fix me. Please fix me, Kings, please?"

1. This is miner: Line 2 feels like it's missing a word, like maybe it should say,
"I take her on I take her down", or
"I take her up I take her down", or, maybe you like it just the way it is:)

2. Rewrite these lines in verse 2 -
"I know what she dose (does) to me
I sure hope to heaven that I can set her free"
It's mudane and a little cliche'd, unworthy of the rest of this piece - you already know this. The first two verses lead up to these lines. They are the climax of the main content of the song. Surprise us with what happens when she looks at you. I know it's intense; I want to feel the burn; I wan't to feel the the air supply get cut off! Justify your passion and your committment to this babe with these two lines. If you have to, change the next line "Set her free", but you probably won't have to.

If you make the changes please repost or email them to me. I bet it will knoeck my socks off!

It's going to take a bit to knock your socks off!

Thank you for the first tips, as you can see they have been followed.

As to point twy : It does fit as it is and flows from both sides, inwards and outwards, and I do like it.
As to cliche, one could say that it sticks out somewhat that way.

I understand what you mean that it builds up to it yet I turn it to me, where it should be we, and what we see.

AAAAA! Simon! I could sit and re mold it for hours but I don't want to now. It has been written and sung.

But I probably will now

You'll be the first to know when I do come up with something. promise!

this is good stuff Kings...your staying with the topic...but, your not getting lost in one phase of the song(dwelling on one area to long)...you seem to keep it moving in the right direction.. in other words  this flows....  as far as changes, I have no idea what you would change. would deff have to hear music to this to make that decision ... this flows and really well...very nice..I like your determination....keep at it....

I hope you can Understand what Im saying here.....

Flyer



also.. when your writing  your telling a/your story as you see it/feel it...dont worry so much about one word...stay with it but let it flow...your writing a song  not a book....let the listener chooose the path also as to what the song means to them. ...leave some mystery in it ....ok ?