#1June 9th, 2006 · 01:37 PM
48 threads / 7 songs
429 posts
United States of America
the lalaby REDONE AGAIN!
Once agin i am not sure about these lyrics please this is the THIRED time i have put these uup, and people keep looking at them but NO ONE comments to help! please every one help? Thank you Spoon for your wonderful advise your really helping me out! ok every one this is it injoy... any comments or advise please give....
-----paper thin
paper doll



Your last breath will be my first sigh

Gota run before its to late
Gota leave before we suffocate
Were children made of tin
Full of darkness
With hearts paper-thin

Hickory dickory dock
Gotta find the sweet spot
The knife goes in
The knifes goes out
Hickory dickory dock

Bound by hate
Drowned by life
Take the bait
Step into my knife

Your last breath will be my first sigh

Hickory dickory dock
Gotta find the sweet spot
The knife goes in
The knifes goes out
Hickory dickory dock

Tearing apart the hearts
That are paper-thin
Children born into sin
You made us this way
Are you afraid?

Hickory dickory dock
Gotta find the sweet spot
The knife goes in
The knifes goes out
Hickory dickory dock

Your last breath will be my first sigh
#2June 9th, 2006 · 03:51 PM
34 threads / 17 songs
581 posts
Canada
It's still good 
#3June 13th, 2006 · 09:07 AM
54 threads / 29 songs
1,552 posts
United Kingdom
OK, where's that knife gone - I need to do some dissecting with this one! 

Oh yes...... there's a typo with the word "to" in the first verse; it should be "too"

But seriously.......

My overall impression of this is that I like it, so that's a good start! 
I think the intro line is great, and ending with the same line gives it a feeling of balance.

If it were me, I'd miss out the first "chorus" and go straight into:
 
    Bound by hate
    Drowned by life
    Take the bait
    Step into my knife

 
For the last verse, I'd reword it slightly and make it longer to match the style used initially.  Something like:
   
    Tearing apart the paper-thin hearts
    There's sin around us from the start
    We're shaped just the way you made
    What's the matter, are you afraid?


and then I'd add
   
    Bound by hate
    Drowned by life
    Take the bait
    Step into my knife



Just a thought. 


Edit on the 15th June:  Don't you mean "lullaby" ?  Just a thought!
#4June 13th, 2006 · 10:35 AM
21 threads
235 posts
United Kingdom
um...it's good....?
http://forum.bandamp.com/Lyrics_Review/26309.html
....my work heeeeeeeere...is done.
#5June 13th, 2006 · 01:16 PM
48 threads / 7 songs
429 posts
United States of America
omg Jim thank u soooooo much i knew my lines were off a bit but i didnt know how to fix it, i kinda got my brain fried on this one, it was mostly ment for me to goof off and be boared, then i just put it on here for people to help me fix it! thanks, i will do as you say oh mighty god of lyrics *bows* thanks again
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