#1June 13th, 2006 · 10:46 AM
21 threads
235 posts
United Kingdom
Swords And Daggers(evil essance)
dainty leaves in a quiet place
the place, I remember so much now
strole down into the woods of green
a thought provoked by the enemy unseen

now swords and daggers roam that place
as a guard watches from the leaves
the thought is gone but still remains
an essance unknown to me

so why don't you listen
take your time deep in sin
an error from the beast within
an animal with evil
consumed the angel
let him down, let go

born again but still not free
the trees have all but fallen
the guard has no leaves to stand on
all against all, anarchy rules

against no other we all must fall

we start again in a brave new land
fires still burn and mountains loam
vallys deep some will stumble
we strole down into the woods of green

so why don't you listen
take your time deep in sin
an error from the beast within
an animal with evil
consumed the angel
let him down, let him go



Ooooo, cryptic
I don't need your crytique or help cause I'm a geniuss.....but it would be nice anyway
seriously though, the usual routine. Any thoughts, crytiques or opinions, feel free to have a rant.
Cheers,
KI
#2June 13th, 2006 · 12:52 PM
34 threads / 17 songs
581 posts
Canada
Cryptic indeed Mo...stands well as free form poetry (aside from the few spelling errors)...it's so hard to critique lyrics when you have no music to give you the intended feel! 

I think I hear something Jethro Tull-ish for this, but more modernized.

The only thing I could say, is that the metre in some places is off - sorry-I'm a stickler for consistent metre...

I do really like the imagry conveyed with the words used...they paint the picture well     Nicely done!
#3June 13th, 2006 · 01:13 PM
48 threads / 7 songs
429 posts
United States of America
ello my love, lol j/k i like your lyrics their great, and you ARE a geiness------- but dont get a big head -------------------- any way i like and cant wait to hear this in a song, so get to it allready!
#4June 13th, 2006 · 07:20 PM
77 threads / 45 songs
2,296 posts
United States of America
hey
not bad....it would make a good poem

Ralph
#5June 14th, 2006 · 09:07 AM
54 threads / 29 songs
1,552 posts
United Kingdom
So here we go my BFAM         (private joke, sorry everyone else!)

Yes, there are some spelling errors - but nothing tragic, so you can be let off that, but I agree with Ms Spoon about the issue of meter; as a free standing bit of lyrical genius, it   would need to have a balance in reading that, at the moment, just isn't there!
As an idea, just try adding  "that's" to the last line, second verse so it becomes:

             Now swords and daggers roam that place
             as a guard watches from the leaves
             the thought is gone but there remains
             an essence that's unknown to me

it doesn't change the meaning, just the way it reads.  (oh, and a used the word "there" instead of "still")

However, tie it together with music and the word-play takes on a new form entirely, which can shake a stick in the face of meter. 

I see the Jethro Tull link (btw, Ian Anderson goes into the studio with the backing music and a written lyric, but doesn't know what he's going to do for a vocal melody until he's recording!)  I also think they're not too far off old-school Genesis, or even Rush!

The whole fall from grace /Garden of Eden thing is pretty nice imagery -

As I whole, yes I like this.  I think it still needs a bit of work as it stands, but the proof is in the musical arrangement.

Sorry, you do not have access to post...
Wanna post? Join Today!

Server Time: October 16th, 2019 · 12:31 PM
© 2002-2012 BandAMP. All Rights Reserved.