I've spent so long trying to iron out the flaws in this that I think I've ended up overproducing it and squashing some of the life out of it.
If I went on messing with it I could very well still be doing it in twenty years time- equally unsatisfied then as now.
So, I'm putting a stop to it. This is my new song. Unless someone can point out where I'm going wrong or what I'm missing then this is how it shall stay.
It's pretty much in my usual style. I hope some of you enjoy it.
Many thanks.

Lyrics for anyone interested:
I'm spinning round
going down
sinking faster than a drowning man
always under water now
I'm a frightened man
on a rollercoaster
never looking down
never wanting to be closer to the ground

I'm sinking now
deeper, deeper
I'm going down
going deeper

Why are you never here?
Why are you never near?

You're a part of me
deep down hidden
where I wanna be, always
everything is different there
I wanna be there
hiding in the shadows
Don't wanna face things
don't wanna fight now

I'm okay now
going deeper
I'm broken down
going deeper

Why are you never here?
Why are you never near?

Scratching and clawing
I'm fighting myself on the inside
searching for you
Biting and gnawing
I'm dragging myself to the outside
searching for you

I'm gonna find you and prove you a liar
I'm gonna make you my heart's last desire
I'm gonna tear myself open and see
all my insides are blackened and rotten
and I'm gonna rise

I'm gonna wrap you and set you on fire
I'm gonna make you a funeral pyre
I'm gonna see who I am and I will see
the phoenix inside me ignite me
and I will arise

Arise x4

It jumps right in... I don't like that.
I have to start the song 3 times to realize what's going on.
I suggest an intro sans vox, for just a couple of measures.
But after I get used to it, I like it.
The end is pretty cool, too.

Good stuff, I like it that the vocals start as soon as the song does.  Good vocals especially the screaming stuff. Very good effects and panning on this one. Keep it up.   Drums are also interesting and not so boring.  I like the break in this song aswell. It gives a creapy feel to the song. The organs at the end (or guitar) I like aswell. Good shit man.

Soni, I realise that immediate vocals is unusual. That's why I wanted to try it. It catches you by surprise and I like to do that with my music, in moderation of course. After a few listens you get used to it and I think it works.
The more I listen to it post-completion the more unhappy I am with the end. It's what I wanted but it just sounds flat and lifeless where it should be the opposite really.

Thanks Putske. I think the vocals in this are better than my previous efforts but still a long way off ideal. That's just a clean guitar sound over the end part. A bit basic but I thought it sounded okay.

I appreciate your commentsguys. Thanks.

Well, I like it!  This is a decent mix, and the vocals are pretty good - I like the way they come in at the start.
One main gripe (and this will be the same for many) is that the drums are just too perfect - they have a reasonable sound quality, but they're just too much on the beat.  Perhaps in future (and not on this song, as you say already that you've produced it to death) you could try letting the drum breaks in particular slide off the beat just a little.
I'm not so keen on the semi-fade out ending either.  But hey, this is still a decent song.

Thanks Jim. I was wondering if someone would mention the fade at the end. I think I agree with you.
I've considered the drum thing to try to give the beat more of a human feel. I've so much else to learn and perfect at the moment that that one's going on the backburner for a while. But I will try it a little further down the line. Thanks.

And amen to that!

I've so much to learn about pc recording, that I'm hardly doing any song writing at the moment, so I know just what you mean.  Somehow, people like PuppetXeno seem to use a drum machine and make it sound like a real player; I know he has some pretty decent equipment, but it just goes to show what's possible (that's why I asked him to do the drums on my song "chances" )
If you manage to learn the secret of realistic sounding pc drums, let me know!!!

hehe. Don't hold your breath

I'm spending a lot more time on the drums in my latest project though.

Up til now I've had the drums all on one track doubled over to pan left and right but with no effects. This time round I'm running 3 tracks (bass drum, cymbals, Snare & toms) with heavy wet chorus on the snare and at the moment it sounds a lot livelier. Have to wait and see how it turns out though. I seem to lose a lot of depth of sound in the mixdown. I also struggle to maintain a good powerful sound in the drums without clipping and I'm hoping that keeping the drums on seperate tracks might help with that.

We'll see.

In the meantime, if you discover the aforementioned secret, please throw it this way

hmmm i really like your music, i have added you to my fave. artists and also your songs to my playlist... i am looking forward to more songs from you! please hurry... also i love your vocals, yours are really good, and i find that while instruments are hard to tame, the voice is even harder. i think you have it nailed. keep up the good work!

good

ok

its great to hear that somebody else suffers from 'overproductionsyndrome'...'OPS'........

u might be right.............i dont post most of the stuff i write cos its never the way i want it..........

this track is mega processed....u know that...........but what the hell at least u posted it despite your inner demons............

i dont like the song but thats mainly cos i dont understand grungy stuff ..............it doesnt matter...............opinions mean little to quality............the quality is good overall

thanks u got my vote ??%

splash

too many surprises... as soon as you press play... bang your into it, i thought i accidentally started the song half way through.... then i finally understand whats going on then you start screaming and going sick. It really looks like an on/off project that you can tell has gone on for long time. Like it just doesnt flow from one to the other and theres all this pressed down effects and changes and surprises that it just eliminates any chance i have of "getting into" the song. hope you understand what i mean, im sorry to say this especially considering how much you have put into this, but from your description it seems you what you have done and it sounds like you have just given up on it really.

its cool the way it is so sudden, but it is also confusing.  you could add a sudden like instrumental intro and then start with the vocals.  ( if you want a "sudden" effect)

I like the vocals and the sounds you choosed for this one.
Great Job!