| The Bozz |    |
I wrote this song about my last summer.
All tracks were played by me, except the drums, which were played by mick fleetwood.
All tracks were played by me, except the drums, which were played by mick fleetwood.
Drums and bass sound awesome to me!
Guitar is nice, but quality could be better.
Not too enthused about the vocals. The quality is obviously pretty bad... and what I could make up from the words, the lyrics isn't something special as well....
When doing the little guitar 'solo', concider using more that just the few notes you do.... go up and down a little more.
Keep up the good work!
(love ur drums + bass :P)
Guitar is nice, but quality could be better.
Not too enthused about the vocals. The quality is obviously pretty bad... and what I could make up from the words, the lyrics isn't something special as well....
When doing the little guitar 'solo', concider using more that just the few notes you do.... go up and down a little more.
Keep up the good work!
(love ur drums + bass :P)
(read DaveUK's post on your Yeah Yeah song first 
)
when recording the vocals, turn down your microphone's volume, b/c right now it's loud enough that it's clipping off the maximum end of the volume scale. so, record at a softer volume, and then amplify it with software so that you can get volume without clipping it.
i used to do this same thing in the way of entheusiasm in the vocals when you're singing this softly (and when you prefer to keep it "softer" like this), add 200% more entheusiasm when singing, and try making it intentionally breathy or something. you already sorta do the breathy thing, but it's a spoken breathy, not a sung breathy. mind you, don't make it TOO breathy---you don't wanna sound like you're trying to be seductive or anything!! you may be suprised what it can do for you when singing lower and softer like that. as far as the entheusiasm goes, you can still "speak" the words if you prefer to, but really focus on the note that you're going for, like at the end of your line that says "i like playing outside of town". the note is sorta there, but it's not got a lot of strength to it.
now, my voice is obviously going to be different than yours, so i can't say this is a perfect idea for you, but i'm just throwing stuff out there.
...by "breathy" it may not be very clear as to what i mean.. listen to this song of mine. it's short and pretty fast, so it'll be pretty painless to listen to real quick
i consider the verses to be fairly "breathy". i'm no pro singer or anything, and this is a really outdated recording now, but it's SOMETHING to show you:
Actually...
anyway it's just to give you a point of reference for what i'm talking about here. whether you try to use that sort of feel is up to you entirely
the music sounds great, though it's a little quiet in this mix. it sounds like the instruments are all recorded at a decent quality, so amplify them so that we can hear them better!
the lyrics didn't seem to impact me too much but i understand taht there's symbolism there. it's... it's just that the meaning is buries deep enough that we can't see it any more. but i think it could work really well if the vocal melody was fixed, and i mean that in terms of tuning and overall sound. more variation in the actual notes for the vocal would make it lots better too. it keeps the listener interested. you have to MAKE us what to know what it'll say next. that's what muscians mean when they talk about "clever" lyrics. it's the sort of stuff that makes you want to listen to it again and again. that's why it's hard to write a song about love anymore, b/c everybody's like "unh.. not ANOTHER love song". with lyrics like this, i think you could keep the listener interested if the melody wasn't so ... pattern-ful. patterns are nice, but this is more or less the same 2 bars of melody over and over again.
as far as the lyrics actually go, this is what i could tell it was saying. the 4th line, i have no idea if my interpretation is right, so i'm sorry if i butchered that line
i'm falling down a bunch of stairs
and it seems that no one is there, by the stairs
every once in a while i'll listen to the voices in my head
every time that you'll listen will be a time I will not shed for dead.
i like playing outside of town
'cuase then i'm not such a clown
i haven't done a thing for 2 straight weeks
i grew a chea and now it speaks
i would lie, but you're on my mind.
you might be there all the time
i've been up for 2 straight weeks i like it how you re-use this line
someone grabbed my apple's cheeks
i don't know just what to say
i wanna make this go away
i don't know just what to do
i'd rather spend my time with you
i couldn't help but notice that 10 out of 16 of those lines start with the word "i" if it were me, i'd try to spice it up a bit more. also, i noticed that every two lines rhyme---this isn't a bad thing, and it CAN be done, but this song is a bit more abstract. it just ... sorta... talks about random stuff and has no pull into what the lyrics mean or are talking about. the lyric style reminds me of the BareNakedLadies song "Pinch Me". if you haven't heard it, try finding it for download or something. what THEY do, is make a bit of an event out of the lyrics. here are THEIR lyrics, without the repeating parts:
It's the perfect time of year
Somewhere far away from here
I feel fine enough, I guess
Considering everything's a mess
There's a restaurant down the street
Where hungry people like to eat
I could walk but I'll just drive
It's colder than it looks outside
It's like a dream you try to remember But it's gone
Then you try to scream But it only comes out as a yawn
When you try to see the world Beyond your front door
Take your time, is the way I rhyme gonna make you smile
When you realize that a guy my size might take a while
Just to try to figure out what all this is for
It's the perfect time of day
To throw all your cares away
Put the sprinkler on the lawn
And run through with my gym shorts on
Take a drink right from the hose
And change into some drier clothes
Climb the stairs up to my room
Sleep away the afternoon
Pinch me, pinch me, cause I'm still asleep
Please God tell me that I'm still asleep
On an evening such as this
It's hard to tell if I exist
If I pack the car and leave this town
You'll notice that I'm not around
I could hide out under there
I just made you say "underwear"
I could leave but I'll just stay
All my stuff's here anyway
go back and read them again and keep in mind a few things:
--the use of rhyming and pseudo-rhyming. they do a lot of it, like you are doing in this song, so look at how they do it.
--also in the way of rhyming, pay attention to the way they space their rhyming lines sometimes... like in the chorus (the "it's like a dream" part), the it goes:
rhyme A
rhyme A
rhyme B
rhyme C
rhyme C
rhyme B
notice how the the B section doesn't give the answering rhyme until after the C rhyme is done.
--really READ the lyrics, like a book. it's a story. in the first verse, he's trying describe how life is really just mediocre ("i feel fine enough, i guess"). it's all in the way he uses words. without the "i guess" part on the third line, it wouldn't have quite the same effect. the next part of that same verse seems completely random ("there's a restaurant down the street"). yeah, it's random like that, but it's only further describing his attitude. it's cause and effect, a call and response, in the lyrics. first, he shows you his apathy, and then he shows you being lazy and taking advantage of what he's got. THEN the chorus goes and sorta describes the whole "mess" that he talked about in the first verse, 4th line. at the end of the chorus ("try to figure out what all this is for") starts to show that he's aware of the whole predicament, thoug he hasn't solved it yet. the rest of the song does the same thing.
anyway, try to pay attention to the way that it's telling a story to you, and not just one- or two-line desciptions of random events like falling down the stairs and then voices in your head. those things are fine if you make them easy to listen to, but in it's current state, the words sorta resemble a broken mirror, with all these pieces laying around on the floor; you can see fragments of all of the story that MIGHT be told if put together right, but it's not doing much for anybody until it gets put together the right way.
anyway-- go back and read the "Pinch Me" lyrics, and then read your lyrics again. keep doing it until you get little ideas.
SO, then, to continue:
great bass line--i really like how just the drums and bass finish the song out. very cool.
the drums are nothing crazy, but they sound like they are recorded really well, and timing seems to be set all the way through. i didn't notice any instrumental timing issues
the guitar sounds nice, though it seems a little muffled or something, but that's alright. it's not that bad, i think.
i think that's all i had to say.. i'm not for sure though--i have a bad habit of forgetting stuff. i'll probably edit this post in order to say anything else, or just post again if other people comment after me
TLS
)when recording the vocals, turn down your microphone's volume, b/c right now it's loud enough that it's clipping off the maximum end of the volume scale. so, record at a softer volume, and then amplify it with software so that you can get volume without clipping it.
i used to do this same thing in the way of entheusiasm in the vocals
when you're singing this softly (and when you prefer to keep it "softer" like this), add 200% more entheusiasm when singing, and try making it intentionally breathy or something. you already sorta do the breathy thing, but it's a spoken breathy, not a sung breathy. mind you, don't make it TOO breathy---you don't wanna sound like you're trying to be seductive or anything!! you may be suprised what it can do for you when singing lower and softer like that. as far as the entheusiasm goes, you can still "speak" the words if you prefer to, but really focus on the note that you're going for, like at the end of your line that says "i like playing outside of town". the note is sorta there, but it's not got a lot of strength to it.now, my voice is obviously going to be different than yours, so i can't say this is a perfect idea for you, but i'm just throwing stuff out there.
...by "breathy" it may not be very clear as to what i mean.. listen to this song of mine. it's short and pretty fast, so it'll be pretty painless to listen to real quick
i consider the verses to be fairly "breathy". i'm no pro singer or anything, and this is a really outdated recording now, but it's SOMETHING to show you:Actually...
anyway it's just to give you a point of reference for what i'm talking about here. whether you try to use that sort of feel is up to you entirely
the music sounds great, though it's a little quiet in this mix. it sounds like the instruments are all recorded at a decent quality, so amplify them so that we can hear them better!
the lyrics didn't seem to impact me too much but i understand taht there's symbolism there. it's... it's just that the meaning is buries deep enough that we can't see it any more. but i think it could work really well if the vocal melody was fixed, and i mean that in terms of tuning and overall sound. more variation in the actual notes for the vocal would make it lots better too. it keeps the listener interested. you have to MAKE us what to know what it'll say next. that's what muscians mean when they talk about "clever" lyrics. it's the sort of stuff that makes you want to listen to it again and again. that's why it's hard to write a song about love anymore, b/c everybody's like "unh.. not ANOTHER love song". with lyrics like this, i think you could keep the listener interested if the melody wasn't so ... pattern-ful. patterns are nice, but this is more or less the same 2 bars of melody over and over again.
as far as the lyrics actually go, this is what i could tell it was saying. the 4th line, i have no idea if my interpretation is right, so i'm sorry if i butchered that line
i'm falling down a bunch of stairs
and it seems that no one is there, by the stairs
every once in a while i'll listen to the voices in my head
every time that you'll listen will be a time I will not shed for dead.
i like playing outside of town
'cuase then i'm not such a clown
i haven't done a thing for 2 straight weeks
i grew a chea and now it speaks
i would lie, but you're on my mind.
you might be there all the time
i've been up for 2 straight weeks i like it how you re-use this line
someone grabbed my apple's cheeks
i don't know just what to say
i wanna make this go away
i don't know just what to do
i'd rather spend my time with you
i couldn't help but notice that 10 out of 16 of those lines start with the word "i"
if it were me, i'd try to spice it up a bit more. also, i noticed that every two lines rhyme---this isn't a bad thing, and it CAN be done, but this song is a bit more abstract. it just ... sorta... talks about random stuff and has no pull into what the lyrics mean or are talking about. the lyric style reminds me of the BareNakedLadies song "Pinch Me". if you haven't heard it, try finding it for download or something. what THEY do, is make a bit of an event out of the lyrics. here are THEIR lyrics, without the repeating parts:It's the perfect time of year
Somewhere far away from here
I feel fine enough, I guess
Considering everything's a mess
There's a restaurant down the street
Where hungry people like to eat
I could walk but I'll just drive
It's colder than it looks outside
It's like a dream you try to remember But it's gone
Then you try to scream But it only comes out as a yawn
When you try to see the world Beyond your front door
Take your time, is the way I rhyme gonna make you smile
When you realize that a guy my size might take a while
Just to try to figure out what all this is for
It's the perfect time of day
To throw all your cares away
Put the sprinkler on the lawn
And run through with my gym shorts on
Take a drink right from the hose
And change into some drier clothes
Climb the stairs up to my room
Sleep away the afternoon
Pinch me, pinch me, cause I'm still asleep
Please God tell me that I'm still asleep
On an evening such as this
It's hard to tell if I exist
If I pack the car and leave this town
You'll notice that I'm not around
I could hide out under there
I just made you say "underwear"
I could leave but I'll just stay
All my stuff's here anyway
go back and read them again and keep in mind a few things:
--the use of rhyming and pseudo-rhyming. they do a lot of it, like you are doing in this song, so look at how they do it.
--also in the way of rhyming, pay attention to the way they space their rhyming lines sometimes... like in the chorus (the "it's like a dream" part), the it goes:
rhyme A
rhyme A
rhyme B
rhyme C
rhyme C
rhyme B
notice how the the B section doesn't give the answering rhyme until after the C rhyme is done.
--really READ the lyrics, like a book. it's a story. in the first verse, he's trying describe how life is really just mediocre ("i feel fine enough, i guess"). it's all in the way he uses words. without the "i guess" part on the third line, it wouldn't have quite the same effect. the next part of that same verse seems completely random ("there's a restaurant down the street"). yeah, it's random like that, but it's only further describing his attitude. it's cause and effect, a call and response, in the lyrics. first, he shows you his apathy, and then he shows you being lazy and taking advantage of what he's got. THEN the chorus goes and sorta describes the whole "mess" that he talked about in the first verse, 4th line. at the end of the chorus ("try to figure out what all this is for") starts to show that he's aware of the whole predicament, thoug he hasn't solved it yet. the rest of the song does the same thing.
anyway, try to pay attention to the way that it's telling a story to you, and not just one- or two-line desciptions of random events like falling down the stairs and then voices in your head. those things are fine if you make them easy to listen to, but in it's current state, the words sorta resemble a broken mirror, with all these pieces laying around on the floor; you can see fragments of all of the story that MIGHT be told if put together right, but it's not doing much for anybody until it gets put together the right way.
anyway-- go back and read the "Pinch Me" lyrics, and then read your lyrics again. keep doing it until you get little ideas.
SO, then, to continue:
great bass line--i really like how just the drums and bass finish the song out. very cool.
the drums are nothing crazy, but they sound like they are recorded really well, and timing seems to be set all the way through. i didn't notice any instrumental timing issues
the guitar sounds nice, though it seems a little muffled or something, but that's alright. it's not that bad, i think.
i think that's all i had to say.. i'm not for sure though--i have a bad habit of forgetting stuff. i'll probably edit this post in order to say anything else, or just post again if other people comment after me
TLS
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