verry nice! though it seems more poem-ish now. maybe once i hear the song then i will get it.

nevertheless, beautiful writing.

From what I'm seeing, it looks as if your mixing way too many ideas. There's definitely way too much unrelated imagery going on there. I know it's temping, when being symbolic, to overdo it. Am I making sense? I like the idea, I just think a rewrite is in store for this song.

Ahem. I like the first stanza. it kind of looses spirit after that. And I am not sure but it seems that ualso changed the idea after that. The rest of the stuff seems episodic.

I like it
maybe the first verse are disconnected a little for the next ones but at the final you do the connection again with the first and is good, fits good for a song