#1July 18th, 2007 · 10:12 PM
23 threads / 2 songs
45 posts
United States of America
Guilty
I can hear you no need to scream
I can feel you get away from me
I can see you crawling get off my back
Give me some rope cut me some slack
     :Chorus:
I can see the light
It shines so bright
I hear it callin my name
And you're the one to blame:

If this was a dream it would be fine
But its a nightmare and its all mine
You've already killed me once
So take your time play one last lullaby
:chorus:
Slit my throat with a splintered sliver
Kiss my stapled lips seal them shut
You know all about how it feels don't you?
Living in your dark demise of lies
You can take the pain away
But you also bring it all upon me
Put the world's weight on my shoulders
Let me crush beneath all its pressure
:chorus:
#2July 20th, 2007 · 04:45 AM
340 threads / 59 songs
4,344 posts
United Kingdom
I like !
I like a lot !

Love the subject matter. I do feel it takes a step back in the last verse, you could have made two 4 liners from it and written the (excellent) imagery in with a little more 'something' !!?? It's in the first two lines : Slit my throat with a splintered sliver, Kiss my stapled lips seal them shut , the imagery in these two is too intense, they should either be split up and spread out into the rest of the piece or rewritten to capture the intensity better!

You write some pretty intense stuff dude! Considering the subject of the piece you could have gotten a LOT more from "Give me some rope cut me some slack"  lol

Good chorus, general yet to the point , says it all, sums it up, is catchy and simple.

In the second verse I would have tried to carry the rhyme on though, something like :
If this was a dream it would be fine
But its a nightmare and its all mine
You've killed me once, watched me die,
So take your time, play one last lullaby

The last verse feels like you were inspired by two amazing concepts and images but then you rushed to finish it off, it might be alright for you but as a piece of poetry I would have liked to have felt the 'rush' all the way to the end, it feels like you could 'form' the last verse better!

Yes waking up can be a tormenting process, probably has something to do with what you have to sort out from  a previous life! 

But this is the stuff of Poetry , Songs, Love and Horror.

The hand that rocks the cradle !
Don't it just make you want to smack it with your rattle? !!! LOL
The very hand that feeds and holds you also scolds, teaches and shows you the true horrendously beautiful light of day!
#3July 20th, 2007 · 02:57 PM
23 threads / 2 songs
45 posts
United States of America
Thanks for the comments i value them a lot.
#4July 20th, 2007 · 03:32 PM
9 threads
75 posts
United States of America
nice.
Nun to shabby.... I agree with what KINGS said about your second verse with, the rhyme thing..... that would boost it alot... but other than that sounds good.
PeAcE, LovE & RockNRoll
Sarah~*~*
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