#1December 29th, 2007 · 09:13 PM
76 threads / 5 songs
529 posts
Cook Islands
I'm sorry but you've failed sweet talking rules 101
"I'm sorry but you've failed sweet talking rules 101"

Could you remind me of the time
When we were so alive
and full of love?

But baby don't bother
It's just another letdown
Another heartbreak I can't handle

Sweetie I don't follow
But it' just like you to say something else
Say what you will,just anything to get you by

Honey 'I know' is never good enough
So just surrender
Cause these walls speak for you

[chorus]
I've been so alive
Since I could love you
But I cannot embrace your arms
Since you have no heart
I may not be heard
The city lights are way too loud

[breakdown]
You lead me upstairs with a devilish grin
and leave me dying to get inside
you leave me broken and dead
{broken and dead}
I'm ready to smile
but I'm not sure you believe

Home looks so great now
but it's hearth is so cold and lonely
Maybe it's not too late

To cry is to know you're alive
But if I wake before I die
Bury me alive with love

But I think there's nothing involved.....


(Kinda sketchy but I like it....but the end is eh...)
#2January 18th, 2008 · 05:25 PM
77 threads / 45 songs
2,296 posts
United States of America
Honey 'I know' is never good enough
So just surrender
Cause these walls speak for you

I may not be heard
The city lights are way too loud

You lead me upstairs with a devilish grin
and leave me dying to get inside


To cry is to know you're alive

Good lines...keep working ...your improving a lot...good little story line you have going....

Flyer

Will rate
#3January 19th, 2008 · 11:31 PM
115 threads / 18 songs
1,414 posts
United States of America
i'll second your comment about the end being a little "eh".. i think it's the word 'involved' .. it really messes with the rhythm that i had while reading.  it was easy for me to read, and i enjoyed it.  the style was somehow familiar to me.. i think that i've written things that (in my mind) hold resemblance to this song of yours.. well... not really for content as much as for the vocabulary and the ... the.. the something that i can't seem to name.  it's there though.. i can feel it when i read your words on this lifeless monitor, flickering reds, blues, and greens at me...

funny how a lifeless object, so far from where you sit and write can deliver that feeling to me..  if i can come up with a more precise tag for what i'm noticing in your lyric, i'll be sure to post it..

until then, though.. i'll just let you know that i like this   Personally, i'm glad it doesn't go too nuts with any single part of the story, or any single word.  .. doing that would have made it too pop-y feeling.

i like the free forming of rhyme that you've used.. i didn't feel distracted by a rhyme, and i didn't feel like you were rambling either.  you had a balance that i think is excellent.  specifically, i think it's in the single-line rhymes, like "To cry is to know you're alive".   SOOOOOOOOOO many rhymes are tied to a 2-line approach, and it without fail makes the song extremely ridged when such rhymes infect the song to frailty.  a single line approach is very effective sometimes.

another thing.. you gave me illustrations while i read it, yet you didn't come off as trying really hard.  for instance, you jump quickly through the "You lead me upstairs with a devilish grin" part, into "To cry is to know you're alive".  my point is that you (quite) effectively jumped from the "beginning" to the "end" of a memory of yours and it was great!  well worded, concise, profound.  the lyrical equivalent of candy Warhead (remember those things? super sour, little buggers of a piece of candy?!  .. the comparison is a good thing )

hmm... yes.. I enjoyed it.  good work

Tim



ooohh, whoops.  one other thing.  I have no idea what kind of musical style this might be in your imagination, but i thought i'd let you know that the song style that my brain put your words to was the song "This Is A Lovesong... For The Loveless" by The Juliana Theory (the band no longer exists.. great music though.  This is from the last album, "Deadbeat Sweetheartbeat").  Perhaps this song is nothing like what you imagine your own to be like.. in fact, that's a very likely senario   But to me, the verses and chorus of the JT song matched up with the first 4 stanzas and chorus of your own song.

take it for what it's worth :P

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THUZZm2pgQA
(youtube music video link)
#4January 20th, 2008 · 04:38 PM
76 threads / 5 songs
529 posts
Cook Islands
thanks Flyer and TLS :]
still working on it I suppose and have a good back bone for it on guitar now it's just peicing it together and making it work well.

TLS:Woah...a lot for me to take in,but I got through it!
and I'm glad I could deliver that feeling,cause I only felt it just haloing a slim light at me,probably whereas you could a whatever to your eyes. And glad you thought it was good lol it was...rather difficult for me to admit to myself it was worthy of posting. anywhoo.....warheads are gross... >_>

and will check out that link asap! thanks to both
chy
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