#1April 29th, 2007 · 01:00 PM
339 threads / 59 songs
4,328 posts
United Kingdom
People on Buses
I was looking through some 'old stuff' :

The world turns
Nobody knows
So nobody learns
The world goes around
Nobody listens
So nobody hears a sound

The little girl cries
It's hard to realize
That nobody cares and nobody tries
The young boys in fear
The streets are full of faces
But there's nobody here.

People on missions
Armed with truths and visions
People afraid to turn to action
substitute boredom for satisfaction
People with goals looking for holes
In other peoples pockets and other peoples souls

People on trips
A tight tongue licks
Red cherry lips
People on TV
Wildly aware of the public glare
Or so they show me
People on big screens
Dreams, screams, ice-creams and big machines

Pull, push, shove, mush!
People in a rush,
Playing never never
On the hush-hush

People with a bad itch
Keep on playing with the same switch
Saying its just a sad glitch
That makes them look to see

People driving on highways
Taking it home on Fridays
You may defy or define what the lie says
But can you set your self free.

Get off the bus Guss
It's nearly Christmas
You've been sitting there since the summer
Of 63!

etc.....
#2May 2nd, 2007 · 04:47 AM
97 threads / 43 songs
500 posts
Australia
Lots of short phrased rhymes, sounds almost rap-ish. The problem with these rhymes, is that they sound almost insincere, in the way that, you have the short phrases, and you NEED something to rhyme with, you force out a rhymed word that is kind of out of place. For example, who is Guss, other than the guy who's name rhymes with bus? Take a bit more time to weave in the stories, have a common link of moods, and get a bit more rhythmical flow.

I like the idea of the people on buses, there's just a problem of covering a variety things you write about, it just doesn't capture the totality of the entire theme.

Metaphorically, just get on the bus and transition through the emotions. I catch the bus to school almost every day, and there's so many thoughts going through my head when I sit alone with my thoughts.

Just something to think about.

You have some nice ideas, kings, I'd really like to see you go through and iron it out a bit, so that you can step back, and go "wow".

WB
#3May 2nd, 2007 · 12:14 PM
339 threads / 59 songs
4,328 posts
United Kingdom
Yes I can follow that WB, it could be 'ironed' out and worked at a bit more to have it make more sense in it's nonsense, kind of thing!

Funny init!!!! This had no name so 'People on buses' came from the last verse and the last verse I put in there spontaneously just before posting, basically I was in a funny mood!  
Now that you've made a point of those very things I see that indeed they don't really fit! As I said I was in a funny mood!

So if I do this to it, is it same?

Little People

The world turns
Nobody knows
So nobody learns
The world goes around
Nobody listens
So nobody hears a sound

The little girl cries
It's hard to realize
That nobody cares and nobody tries
The young boys in fear
The streets are full of faces
But there's nobody here.

People on missions
Armed with truths and visions
People afraid to turn to action
substitute boredom for satisfaction
People with goals looking for holes
In other peoples pockets and other peoples souls

People on trips
A tight tongue licks
Red cherry lips
People on TV
Wildly aware of the public glare
Or so they show me
People on big screens
Dreams, screams, ice-creams and big machines

Pull, push, shove, mush!
People in a rush,
Playing never never
On the hush-hush

People with a bad itch
Keep on playing with the same switch
Saying its just a sad glitch
That makes them look to see

People driving on highways
Taking it home on Fridays
You may defy or define what the lie says
But can you set your self free?


Yes! It's a Welsh Wrap! 


Thanks very much for reading and for sharing your thoughts!    O! that's thank you number 2!
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