#1December 18th, 2007 · 09:30 PM
31 threads / 19 songs
612 posts
Canada
Untitled
Was strumming some chords tonight and a line of lyrics came to mind...put the guitar down and started writing..so far have a verse and part of a chorus...Not sure where this came from or what this is all about I just kept writing...How do you interpret the lyrics? Is this going anywhere? Where would you take it? Does it make sense? OK enough questions....


Another year has come and gone
How I miss your warmth in my arms
The love we burned can't be replaced
A distant memory that I can't escape
You gave me life, what it meant to live
It took the end to see  where to begin
No longer a bat hanging in a cave
Become the snake,  season of change


these words I write , this melody I sing
years of frustration buried deep in me
this pen is my veins as I flow onto the page............................
#2December 19th, 2007 · 01:07 AM
30 threads
169 posts
United States of America
I like the first six lines. It's hard to read about a bat in a cave without my mind drifting to super heroes. The bat fine, lose the cave.

I like the off-rhymes you used.
gone/arms  replaced/escape  live/begin  cave/change

Or you can keep the cave and lose the bat.

Then you don't know how to continue so you go off into bats and snakes and frustration - very freudian, no doubt. But lose all that after line six, and keep this beautiful story going.

"It took the end to see  where to begin" Is the storyline of you song.that you need to expound on. It's a great line, a great hook, and can anchor a great chorus.. You could use your first six lines as a chorus, but I don't think it is strong enough to stand up to repetition. I would keep these lines, take out line 6 to use in the chorus, and write a replacement.

When we hear (read) the chorus we should know why you wrote the song. It should convey the central idea.

Now you would have a first verse and a chorus.

This is a story about love that ended, and in doing so it gave you direction, or ???, some insight into where to begin. So you want to write verses that slowly reveal bits of that. It doesn't have to be real detailed. It can remain ambiguous enough that we just get the idea behind it..

You might have the intro verse, then the chorus. Then a verse about the break. Chorus. Then a verse/bridge or bridge/verse that reveals a little more, and there would be some sort of twist, which reveals the silver lining, which is how it showed you 'where to begin'

I just posted one that reveals an ambiguous story like what I am suggesting, if you want an example. The title is INVISIBLE.

Good start. STRONG HOOK. Keep writing.  
#3December 19th, 2007 · 03:38 PM
31 threads / 19 songs
612 posts
Canada
Simon wrote…
I like the first six lines. It's hard to read about a bat in a cave without my mind drifting to super heroes. The bat fine, lose the cave.

I like the off-rhymes you used.
gone/arms  replaced/escape  live/begin  cave/change

Or you can keep the cave and lose the bat.

Then you don't know how to continue so you go off into bats and snakes and frustration - very freudian, no doubt. But lose all that after line six, and keep this beautiful story going.

"It took the end to see  where to begin" Is the storyline of you song.that you need to expound on. It's a great line, a great hook, and can anchor a great chorus.. You could use your first six lines as a chorus, but I don't think it is strong enough to stand up to repetition. I would keep these lines, take out line 6 to use in the chorus, and write a replacement.

When we hear (read) the chorus we should know why you wrote the song. It should convey the central idea.

Now you would have a first verse and a chorus.

This is a story about love that ended, and in doing so it gave you direction, or ???, some insight into where to begin. So you want to write verses that slowly reveal bits of that. It doesn't have to be real detailed. It can remain ambiguous enough that we just get the idea behind it..

You might have the intro verse, then the chorus. Then a verse about the break. Chorus. Then a verse/bridge or bridge/verse that reveals a little more, and there would be some sort of twist, which reveals the silver lining, which is how it showed you 'where to begin'

I just posted one that reveals an ambiguous story like what I am suggesting, if you want an example. The title is INVISIBLE.

Good start. STRONG HOOK. Keep writing.   :razz:

Thanks Simon, I actually read this before I went to work today and have been thinking about it off and on all day. It's funny how you mention the first 6 lines, actually those are the lines that needed no thought and just ran to the page. Then I started thinking (too much I guess) on how to get to the chorus. The super hero remark made me smile but I totally get what your saying. Here's what I was trying to get across with that line and the following one....

I'm blinded and hiding in my fears and faults in my own comfort zone....bat in the cave
My eyes are open wide and I'm ready to face it all so I shed my skin to get rid of the old me and start fresh...become the snake, seasons of change.

Like I said I guess I thought about it to much. Your review got me really thinking and I believe I'm on the right path now. Not going to force it as I haven't written anything in six months and I rather enjoy this sudden inspiration. I'm also going to refrain from reading your story as you are very creative and wouldn't want your thoughts subconsciously making there way into my own story. An idea I toyed with at work was this guy lost his love, he lost her because he wasn't ready to be loved or love anybody and by losing her he realizes what it truly means and what it takes to do so. The silver lining you ask? Now that he's ready to share his heart no one can replace HER but...... lightning strikes his door with a thunderous clap and a spitting image but much younger woman is at his door......the daughter he never knew he had! So now he can make good with the daughter to make up for the mother. Make sense? Silly idea? I kinda like it, however I think it may be tricky to get it across in a 3-4 minute song. I'll give it a go anyway. I've also starting brainstorming chorus lyrics.

You need to love yourself to be  able to give it
Two halves are only whole when a half is whole on its own
Digest after swallowing your fears..

stuff like that...anyways I'm blabbing too much, thanks again.
#4December 20th, 2007 · 09:41 AM
21 threads
235 posts
United Kingdom
This is pretty sweet.
You're obviously right in thinking that you shouldn't force it and not just because you havn't written in months but also cause forced lyrics tend to suck (even if they are good enough to trick the reader into thinking they don't...if you know what I mean)

I came up with a line that just popped into me head as I read the "..."

maybe these thoughts have shown my age

Dunno wether that really makes sense in the context that your writing but feel free to use it if you wish.

I like the story idea you've got running in your mind. If it's going to be difficult fitting in to a short song, in my opinion, it may be worth extending it.
I never really write to previously planed time scales anyway so...you know.

Look forwardto the finnished lyric!
#5December 20th, 2007 · 06:01 PM
31 threads / 19 songs
612 posts
Canada
Thanks Simon, Moses
Whew! This is a first draft, came home from work and read your comments again Simon (yours too Moses).Went uptown to do some business and the lyric pretty much wrote itself. Came home and immediately ran to the computer and started typing. I wish I could type the melody as in some spots it may not come across right. I think some of it needs lots of improvement but that's what the reviews are for eh? Moses check out the final line in the chorus!

P.S What do you think about the title?

    Idiots Guide For Idiots

Another year has come and gone
How I miss your warmth in my arms
The love we burned can't be replaced
A distant memory that I can't escape
You gave me life, what it meant to live
Treasure you always your deep within
What was it that you used to say to me?
If I only listened you'd  be here with me

It took the end to see 
where to begin
The boy you used to know
no longer scared I've got
the strength to love
Maybe these thoughts
show my age

Now that your lesson has been taught
I hope you see that our time wasn't lost
What I am today is because of you
All because of you, you you you

It took the end to see 
where to begin
The boy you used to know
no longer scared I've got
the strength to love
Maybe these thoughts
show my age

TV's on I see your face
The skies are crying
It's too late
Why you? It should've been me
For the love of God ! The irony
Lightning strikes
Thunderous clap on my door
I must be dreaming
I fall to the floor
Hand on my shoulder
whisper in my ear
It's OK Dad
Swallow those tears

Mom knew you'd be ready some day
Unfortunate it had to be this way
Together we'll honor her love
She's always watching up above

It took the end to see 
where to begin
The boy you used to know
no longer scared I've got
the strength to love
It took the end to see 
where to begin
The boy you used to know
no longer scared I've got
the strength to love
Maybe these thoughts
show my age
#6December 21st, 2007 · 02:25 AM
30 threads
169 posts
United States of America
the path
BC, I like a lot of this. But no matter, what is important is that you have learned something really important:, which is that when you really know what you want to write about, rather than just have a few lines in your head, the actual writing is easy.

Sometimes I have half a song written, and I am STUCK. I will sit for hours, just getting familiar with the characters and their story. It comes in little bits. And usually I write not a word. But maybe the next day, I will have the same experience that you had today, and I will sit down and write it easily. This is a huge step you have taken.

Keep it up! I'm excited for you.
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