#1December 14th, 2007 · 02:07 PM
76 threads / 5 songs
529 posts
Cook Islands
There's a hole in my heart
And it's calling to you
But we are worlds apart
Now you're society's taboo

You took the words right out of my mouth
And we scream 'Hallelujah'
So let's head south
Cause this bright light is blinding truth

Your love is so stale
I'm wondering if you're still breathing
And to no avail
I find you dead in yesterday's news

I'm just a dog-eared page
When she's not in love with you
My eyes have no age
But this they all knew

edited.hopefully a bit better now
#2December 14th, 2007 · 04:55 PM
64 threads / 13 songs
669 posts
United States of America
The third verse is a little airy, but I like the first two.  A lot.  I want to make this a song, or hear it in one.  You got anything else coming for this?
#3December 14th, 2007 · 05:28 PM
76 threads / 5 songs
529 posts
Cook Islands
fixed.and thankies avi.
hey take a shot man.
#4December 15th, 2007 · 02:42 PM
115 threads / 18 songs
1,414 posts
United States of America
i like the 3rd verse now-- specifically with the "yesterday's news" part.  I didn't read it before you edited it though, so I'm not sure how drastic of an improvement it might have been :P

the progression of the verses is nice, and reading the chorus at the end fit very well with the way the song was going.  question though:  is the chorus meant to be put in between each verse?  that prolly seems like a dumb question, but i didn't want to make any assumptions.  i'm not sure how the song would be built up, but having the chorus inbetween verses 1 and 2 would certainly jump out of the mindset of the narrator, as if you're stepping in to the future for a moment while you lament the fact that this punk kid has another girl he's loving on while narrator is on the back burner.

Since i can't hear it, and I don't have an answer from you yet ( ), I'll just tell you what I think about it..  it could very well be a nice thing, to have it jump out of time-frame in order to do the chorus.  It would keep the listener interested, as s/he has point A and point C, but not B (which is in verse 3, if you ask me)  (.. wow, that was a lot of rhyming in one single breath!  C, B, 3, me... and to think that I don't even like to make my own music rhyme all that much..    haha..)

i think it's a way to hook the listener.  it'd be great if you can envision the effect really well.  I was initially going to tell you that i thought that i didn't think it was a good idea to have the chorus between those first 2 verses, but i changed my mind

good job, meow!
#5December 15th, 2007 · 07:38 PM
340 threads / 59 songs
4,344 posts
United Kingdom
Avi : Totally ! 
Dear Miss Meow : Give us a bit more background, well give me some more anyway!
I had read it before but didn't comment, I liked but it was short,
I was adding and toying as I was reading this time around.
There are some very nice ideas in there but I cant grasp certain aspects of it enough to fully add what I feel.
Right: Chorus is meant to fuse the otherwise mysterious or obscure verses, this is is the other way around, which is ok, it's just that I also don't get enough 'thread' in the verses to understand the chorus !!! lol
With some background insights I'd love to 'add to the collab' 

Maybe you should add any new lyrics as a new comment and not as an edit, I don't think edits show up as 'new posts'
#6December 15th, 2007 · 09:41 PM
76 threads / 5 songs
529 posts
Cook Islands
TLS:I really like that idea man!
but maybe not the full chorus but like a specific line in-between them. And thank you ^_^

kings: background is I'm tired of feeling like a dog eared page while this one guy use to date consistently breaks up with his girlfriend,then turns the page right back to me. It's all very confusing to me >_<

and I'm already tinkering with some backgrounds and voices.

and good idea...but maybe edits should come up as 'new posts'

and again,thanks all
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