#1December 13th, 2007 · 05:18 PM
30 threads
169 posts
United States of America
TEN YEARS TO LIFE
for female vocal

With unspoken words you ask
If I will still be true
I look at you and know
That I'm the center of your life . . .
That you pay out every day
Dreaming each one brings you closer
To holding me
In your arms again

But can I see this through . . . ?

CHORUS
Ten years to life
Without love by my side
With no one to hold
And no place to hide
Waiting for you
To hold me
In your arms again

Doesn't matter what you've done
My love for you is sure
I look at you and know
That you're the center of my life
But what demons must be slain
When I wake up every morning
And you're not there?
Tears will fall like rain

I've walked this road before . . .

Ten years to life
Without love by my side
With no one to hold
And no place to hide
Waiting for you
To hold me
In your arms again

BRIDGE
Every day without your love
Is a prison for me, too
I waited so long -
Can I still be that strong?-
What are you asking me to do?

How can I promise you . . . ?
 
Ten years to life
Without love by my side
With no one to hold
And no place to hide
Waiting for you
To hold me
In your arms again

Waiting to hold you
In my arms again.


- Norman Maser, 12/13/2007
#2December 13th, 2007 · 09:15 PM
115 threads / 18 songs
1,414 posts
United States of America
a little cryptic, i must admit.  I think there's definitely some references to backstory, with the lines "Tears will fall like rain, just like they did before . . ."  Perhaps the backstory isn't all that important to the listener, since really the goal of the line is to transmit that idea of being "right back where you started." 

Heh, not to mention that the title itself is a major allusion to backstory.  typically people have a reason to be put into a "jail", whether figurative or literal (both, in your lyric).

it seems to me that the focus shifts to another point of view for the second verse.  i missed that the first time through

ack-- terribly sorry--- i have to get running, but i'll post this fragment so that you at least have a little bit to go with   i'll try to come back later and finish!!
#3December 17th, 2007 · 08:18 PM
115 threads / 18 songs
1,414 posts
United States of America
okay.. time to turn off avinashv's Major Turnaround song in winamp.. i can't review your lyric and hear his song at the same time. the moods are too different :P

i think i've noticed something about your lyrics, Simon.. a progression in a particular area that i'm just now seeing.  you're not breaking your lines by rhymes anymore.  your rhymes (when they're there) sometimes fall in the middle of the phrase, and you're breaking the lines by complete thoughts, or sections to the sentence at least.  moreso in the verses than in the choruses, i think.

i think your bridge is well written-- it completely captures the musical "aphelion" (if i can use the word in such an out-of-the-ordinay context).  it starts sad, and then just gets deeper in the emotion of longing, and starts swooping back in towards that sad through-the-bars scene you paint for us.  it feels like it really starts with the beginning of a jail visit, gets emotional, and then you bring us back to reality, and the jail visit is about over, and you repeat to us the initial thought of having the other in [your] arms.    and you leave us feeling like there will be future jail visits, to repeat a similar comforting, hopeful dialogue.

i like how you've made the title of the song part of a complete sentence in the chorus.. it's really common to just see the song title in the chorus' opening line, as an independant thought.. that's rather boring, if you ask me.  but you've made it flow into the next line pretty well.  in fact, i'm noticing how the entire chorus is a single sentence, a single flowing thought.  i thnk that's the key to how it flows.. it's a single thought, not a choppy block of overdramatic incomplete words in an idea web.

honestly, i'm not sure what to suggest to you for improvement!  i wish i could hear it all played out right now, but know how it goes.. some of us will write more words than music, just due to the nature of our lives and time tables.

good to read your stuff again, my friend   it's improving, for sure--!  I think your reading has done your heart good!  it seems like your really nailing the things you're trying to express--- at least in what you've been posting here recently!

TLS
#4December 18th, 2007 · 12:19 AM
64 threads / 13 songs
669 posts
United States of America
TonightsLastSong wrote…
okay.. time to turn off avinashv's Major Turnaround song in winamp

I'm flattered

I don't say this very often for other critiques, but I agree 100% with everything TLS has said and feel the need to add essentially nothing new.

From a purely superficial standpoint, the lyrics read and sound great at the natural rhythm I picked.  I have a few ideas for melodies to suit this, but really, I'd love to see how you as the writer would take this musically.

You've got a great pen for lyrics, keep 'em coming.
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