Good on you. I don't know if I can offer up lyrical advice at the moment (my brain's moving slowly), but once kings looks it over you should be right to send it out. I like the storytelling effect, I think it's awesome that you stand for this through the music.

Reminds me of that time this topic cropped up in the chat.

This is very admirable.

WB

I really like this. This is good Pap..I know what its like to be the 1 in 7 Boys to go through abuse....My hat is off to you...If we all would do something to try and help chidren that are invovled in an abusive situation...this world would be a better place...Plus, there are other programs that exist..like Big Brothers and Big Sisters...Please look into this...I just Joined Big Brothers..Its only a small portion of my time Per month but the reward is great..Not only to the Child...But to the Adult also
You can and do get more out of life when You give of yourself...The more you Give.. the more you get in return.

Pap I hope your Message gets sent to the whole world..
Your Friend

Ralph_Flyer

this piece carries the mature weight of the subject
and you've penned it well...
wonderful piece, heartfelt...


Jack
1/7

Well! thank you, I think! I'm still not sure how to take it!!! lol

Hey paperdoll, I think it's ok, a good message well written, the story in consistent, and it's not 'plain' and 'in you face'.
What I mean is, it's difficult enough to take such a sensitive subject and actually write it out in a poetical way.
You have and it works, you touch the subject in a way that I believe people will listen too.I don't think 'people' in general can deal with the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth! It's too painful and raw, literally. We all go 'tut tut' or 'how awful' when we hear things on the news, but then we are prepared for it, it's what your meant to hear on the new! so to hear raw truths in poetry and song I think is still too much for our imaginations.
But then as I said I think you've done a very good job of it!

I really really like the title, it sums it up very well! That it's 'outside' the boundaries of 'play'.
You have a real nice poetical expression, though you write quite 'up-front' and 'to the point' you still manage to put in some excellent lines : "Arial covered black with white lace"  for one.

You missed this one : 'She went to in to lie down', should it be, She went in to lie down, or She went to lie down?
I think "It seems deaf has a cost" kind of 'plongs' when, if it were written slightly different, it could 'ring'.
And I would put 'could' and not 'would' in "Hoping no one would tell", it sounds righter to me! 
'Would tell' gives the impression of people actually saying something out loud, where as Could tell gives the impression of what people think to themselves. Which is what, I think, your getting at with the line! Funny how language feels!

I think your message is very important, the undeniable sickness of humanity, though I don't know what kind of message would get the message across, because most 'abusers' live in denial, and excuse them selves and their actions, like murderers turning to god! Sick isn't it?

For WB  
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