Ok, this song is in 6/8, there's an acoustic part in here that simply kicks ass. It has the swaying feeling, and, at first I attempted at a slower tempo, but this is a medium-fast steady rock song. With the lyrics I shifted the theme from my last thread, and went with my natural style, hope this flows better. All comments welcome, I really want to make this one all it can be.

The Cold Storm

I can feel my heart beating,
I can see your soul depart,
I can feel my skin freezing,
I can see you losing your heart,
I can fight my way out of the crowd,
I can synchronize both of my lungs,
As you lay there sweating your head off,
As you lay there speaking in tongues,

I know I can't die,
The storm keeps me alive,
Throughout the night,
But not without a fight,
You cannot win,
Your life becomes a sin,
Your life becomes a sin,

You can see the light in the tunnel,
You can see the light up ahead,
You can breathe air colder than winter,
You can drown in the storm in your head,
*
I know I can't die,
I'm pain and suicide,
You choke inside,
Now take the cyanide,
Can't ease the wound,
The hole inside the room,
This time you're gone,
Leaving us in the room,

I can see the thunder is coming,
I can see the rain fall on your face,
I can whisper a line from a poem,
You can follow the hollow disgrace,
*
(Solo break)

I know I can't die,
The storm keeps me alive,
Throughout the night,
But not without a fight,
You cannot win,
Your life becomes a sin,
Your life becomes a sin,

1. Nothing to cherish but you,
   

Now you are gone,
Nothing will blossom from you,
You would have done,
Nothing to cherish but you,
Now you are gone,
Nothing will perish from you,
You would have gone.
                                                                                                          
*may add extra verses (please, no suggestions on this), or just repeat the verses.

1. This part may also be played overlapping the last chorus.
   

Ok, that's the song. Hope you like it, if not... then say why, you may be able to fix a niche I may have overlooked. Also, the conceptual addition to the verses, this is something I'd like to develop into the song myself, and I'll edit it in once I've figured it out.

Cheers!

WB

"I'm pain and suicide"... fucking ouch...
heavy and in there....
this shit's all deep and i dig it all....


"hollllllooooooooooooow dissssssssgraaaaaaaaaaaaceeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

who's touchin' this... ?
only you man, do it!

I see your digging deep into your mind for your creativity...Gotta love it
Nice work..

Flyer

I don't like it and this is why.....No not really, I love it.
How can one not, it's a really good piece of clear obscurity versed beautifully.
I also saw the two lines jackfancy mentions and this one : 'You can drown in the storm in your head' and you weave the storm into the story, love it!

But.....

"As you lay there sweating your head off", I had to laugh, I started getting the most bizarre images!!!
As a British english speaker 'sweating your head off' is like 'working your ass off' or 'laughing your head off', to me it's used in 'funny' situations.

I'd say 'cant heal the wound', grasping the cliche, as it fits well.

Again it bugs me to see two lines ending in the same word, I went brain storming over "Leaving us in the room" to keep the rhyme and the meaning, but no luck, I'll get into it again some time!

I don't fully find it in "I know I can't die" but because of that line , the way it sets the poetical scene, and the general build up and direction of the lyric I really Really expected her to 'die' in the last verse, she has gone, it's empty, so she 'should' die. I really expected it and because it's not there I do feel that it would complete the 'poetry' of the piece, it is possible, and makes poetical sense!

What about "And our song becomes my tune"
Or even "Leaving us the moon" would poetically fit!

Please excuse my dabbling, my only excuse is that I like the lyric! 

Thanks for the comments,
"sweating your head off", I kind of had an image in my head and was drawing inspiration from that. You see I had the idea that someone close was dying and they had a terrible fever, contained inside their bedroom sweating from feeling hot and freezing at the same time. Also it's like, I'm drawn to their side, and can only wait to see them out, so, I know it is a bit bizarre, but it just came to me at the time.

I'll take the word "heal" into the line. Also, just reading the room/room rhyme, I can change the second room to gloom, which would tie it together better.

In addition, at the moment, I have filled out the verses as such:
You can see the light in the tunnel,
You can see the light up ahead,
You can breathe air colder than winter,
You can drown in the storm in your head,
I can feel my heart beating,
I can see your soul depart,
I can feel my skin freezing,
I can see you losing your heart,

I can see the thunder is coming,
I can see the rain fall on your face,
I can whisper a line from a poem,
You can follow the hollow disgrace,
I can feel my heart beating,
I can see the rain fall on your face,
I can feel my skin freezing,
You can follow the hollow disgrace,

treating those first lines as a pre-chorus, but it's not definitely set yet.
Also, I've added to the ending, combining with the chorus, as follows:
I know I can't die,
Now you are gone,
You cannot win,
You would have done,
I cannot die,
Now you are gone,
You cannot win,
You would have done.

Thanks again guys, I may have the chance to record stuff soon, this'll be on the top of my list.

Cheers!

WB

This is getting better

Flyer

OK I didn't realize it was actually about someone actually dieing, I thought it was more about the relationship 'dieing' and that it was more 'metaphorically' written!
Yes it is getting better!
And yes you do write good lyrics!
And yes I'm a pain in the ass, I can stick to : "cool, nice song" if you want!

Yes, I did have an image of someone dyeing while I wrote this, but I kind of get it across in a metaphoric way, rather than writing "and she will be dead" I go a bit more symbolic. And I don't find your comments hassling and annoying, I love the depth you go to in reviewing a piece of work. So when I please you with a lyric, I know it must really be something!

Thanks.

WB

Hey, WB Reading the lyric and the comments I got a feeling of what was going on, the person in either dying or dead so it is 'not mentioned'.
And then I arrived at your last comment!