#1June 28th, 2014 · 11:15 PM
1 threads
2 posts
United States of America
Writing album, need critiques please!
I'm writing an album with some lyrics I've been putting together for a few months now. I feel like they are missing something but can't figure it out. Please be honest, I would like honest opinions to try and really push me to do they best I can. Thank you!

Numb has become our reality
Blissfully distracted by our own lies
Suffering has become our routine
Content with the disarray
Blinded by their lies
While death and war remain the norm our futures being programmed
All according to their plan
To our graves we float along
Obliviously hoping, why can't we open our eyes?
Fear is controlling the masses
Telling us what and how to think
Creating our hate and fear
Consuming us one by one
Destroying what made us human
Starting with your mind we've lost control



White noise puts me at ease
The flashes relax my body
Chaotic and dissonant has become tranquil and aesthetic
Numb has become my reality
Poison that silences my mind
Poison that slows my heart
More, the desire for more
Craving conflict over peace
More of the suffering that fuels this fire
More of the pain that drives this machine
Ignorance keeps me safe
Keeping the truth buried in me
Dictating how I live
What I think
It's for my own good
I can't be left to my own devices



A foreigner among friends
Empty laughs
A stranger amongst family
Faking smiles
I don't belong here
Did I ever really belong?
Taking a path less traveled
With No footsteps to follow
Not knowing the end
How Many have tried before
To break free from this hell
This corrupted land has led me to believe
This is all there is, all that ever was
Are we all damned?
Unforgiving and unwavering
This isn't for me
This can't be all there is
I will find my way


Open your eyes!
You have to adjust to the light eventually
Or do you prefer to keep them closed?
Keep building my tower of cards
Higher and higher, more, more!
Don't stop assembling my manufactured life
You'll get there eventually kid, just keep at it
This ship is unfucking sinkable!
Picture perfect
Once the dust has finally settled that is
Live free or die for the American way
No fucking questions!
Send the boys to meaningless throes
Blank stares and empty shells
Paralyzed from the shit force fed to me
Keep it down and smile
Vacant faces paired with barren hearts
Wipe those tears from my eyes
Desensitized or anesthetized? Take your pick



Leaving home, I'm chasing fleeting stars
Coming home, I'm racing the sunlight
Promised young
It's the way that it's gotta be, son
Just 30 more years and you'll be set without a single fear
Start digging another hole and fill up that other one
Cause we all know idle hands are the devils playthings
Round and round he goes never gaining any ground
Cheering him on, having our laughs
Why does the dog chase his tail?
I bet he thinks today is the day he finally wins
Nothing to show for except this broken back and these calloused hands
Scraping by while the vultures circle overhead
Wolves in sheeps clothes, devouring sound intentions
They killed the shepherd and we're on our own
Just dig another hole and fill up that other one
Cause we all know idle hands are the devils plaything
Round and round he goes never gaining any ground
Cheering him on, having our laughs
Why does the dog chase his tail?
I bet he thinks today is the day he finally wins
Tired of the seemingly endless monotony
I decided to let these hands sit idle but the devil never showed
With idle hands comes an undistracted mind and a little bit of truth
And with an open mind, you can finally see what's been in front of us the whole time
Not all prisons surround you with bars



I've opted out of signing on the dotted line
I've finally come to my crossroads
This time we aren't selling our souls for rock and roll
Gambling our lives for our god given rights
My dice are loaded but so are their guns
Taking what's mine for their fucking crimes
Formalities are a fallacy in this day and age
When it comes to what's mine I'll take the low road every time




Everyone says that they want change
When the opportunity comes, will you?
It all starts with you
Will you have the courage to stand alone?
#2June 29th, 2014 · 05:55 AM
370 threads / 187 songs
3,332 posts
United Kingdom
I'm not one to critique lyrics and their message, but in this case your lyrics don't have any structure like
Intro
Verse
Chorus
Bridge
Instrumental
Outro

It also helps to keep the syllables to each line fairly similar so that the music fill fit, I'm no expert, but I think 4 - 6 is ideal. I'm pretty sure if you go on the lessons tab here on the AMP you will find some useful information on how to structure lyrics.
Are you a musician, have you written any music?
#3June 29th, 2014 · 09:48 AM
1 threads
2 posts
United States of America
Very true. I've played guitar for 11 years, I'm pretty new though to putting lyric to song. I only played and have never wrote vocal melodies or lyrics. I've been trying to match lyric to melodies and create verse, chorus, etc, as I've been writing the music. It has proved daunting. If anyone has any advice making it a little easier that would be very helpful too. Thanks you
#4June 29th, 2014 · 02:11 PM
370 threads / 187 songs
3,332 posts
United Kingdom
DaveyJones wrote…
Very true. I've played guitar for 11 years, I'm pretty new though to putting lyric to song. I only played and have never wrote vocal melodies or lyrics. I've been trying to match lyric to melodies and create verse, chorus, etc, as I've been writing the music. It has proved daunting. If anyone has any advice making it a little easier that would be very helpful too. Thanks you
http://forum.bandamp.com/Lessons/18883.html
Here is a tutorial from a member who helped me.
On the home page click on forums tab and scroll down to lessons. One of our members has uploaded pro lessons on all forms of songwriting. You can also access it here http://forum.bandamp.com/Lessons.html

The thing to note is that we are all different, you need to find a way that suites you best. I mainly write instrumental songs, but I create the melody around the rhythm section, which comes natural to me.  When I have written music to lyrics, it's more difficult for me, but others may find it easier.  I find it easier when the lyrics have less syllables, say 4 to 5 to each line.

I'm interested in how you develop with this.  This what this website is all about, helping musicians to improve and produce quality music.  When I first joined, like you I was keen and enthusiastic to learn; within a few months following the advise of members I improved my songwriting and production skills - I'm still improving, that's what I love about songwriting, there is is always room to improve, in fact I think we never stop learning.
#5June 29th, 2014 · 02:26 PM
370 threads / 187 songs
3,332 posts
United Kingdom
Member DTF
Our member DTF has uploaded a huge section of tutorials
http://dtf.bandamp.com/
When you go to his home page, click on his threads on right-hand side of the page - there are some great lessons there on writing lyrics
#6June 29th, 2014 · 03:59 PM
1 threads
2 posts
United States of America
Thanks man, I'll definitely check it out, thank you for the help!
#7July 15th, 2014 · 05:20 AM
340 threads / 59 songs
4,344 posts
United Kingdom
My criticism of your lyrics .... it's too much.
As poetry you could get away with it, where only words are used to convey the message. But as a song, where the music is also a conveying factor, there's just an over-kill of words.

You could try and reinvent the wheel but a song has a structure as stated above. The music in a song loops back and around again into choruses and verses. The same goes for song lyrics, they repeat and flow to create something rhythmical and melodic.

Try taking one of these verses and find a common denominator / boil it down into a few catchy lines .... call this a chorus, sing it around your head till it sounds good then write the rest in as verses.

Keep at it though more than anything, you have an intense message to release.
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