| Beauty Child |
This you need to know
How to be all you can be
I’ll save you from our fall
If you show me
How to be all you can be
If you look then you will see
That you can be what you want to be
But at this instant
Your resistant
To anything that involves me
[Chorus]
But I can say
That I was wrong
Say sorry for that red laced thong
And hope you stay
Try to delay
The time when you will move along
I’d find a way to make it through
All the things I’ve done to you
Cause I would fly, and maybe cry
To see your smile
My beauty child
If you look then you will see
That you can be what you want to be
But at this instant
Your resistant
To anything that involves me
[Chorus]
But I can say
That I was wrong
Say sorry for that red laced thong
And hope you stay
Try to delay
The time when you will move along
I’d place a finger on your chin
Your dreamy eyes they’d draw me in
I need you now, you’ve got to see
Please let me be
What I want to be
Oh please (please let me)
Let me, just let me
Oh please (please let me)
Let me, just let me
I’m sorry (so sorry)
So stupid (I’m sorry)
I’m sorry (so sorry)
So stupid (I’m sorry)
Please let me be
What I want to be
How to be all you can be
I’ll save you from our fall
If you show me
How to be all you can be
If you look then you will see
That you can be what you want to be
But at this instant
Your resistant
To anything that involves me
[Chorus]
But I can say
That I was wrong
Say sorry for that red laced thong
And hope you stay
Try to delay
The time when you will move along
I’d find a way to make it through
All the things I’ve done to you
Cause I would fly, and maybe cry
To see your smile
My beauty child
If you look then you will see
That you can be what you want to be
But at this instant
Your resistant
To anything that involves me
[Chorus]
But I can say
That I was wrong
Say sorry for that red laced thong
And hope you stay
Try to delay
The time when you will move along
I’d place a finger on your chin
Your dreamy eyes they’d draw me in
I need you now, you’ve got to see
Please let me be
What I want to be
Oh please (please let me)
Let me, just let me
Oh please (please let me)
Let me, just let me
I’m sorry (so sorry)
So stupid (I’m sorry)
I’m sorry (so sorry)
So stupid (I’m sorry)
Please let me be
What I want to be
| First Impressions... |
hi Sam and welcome to the Lyric Forum. We need more people posting in here. Your post tells a nice story and expresses good emotion. The rhyme and meter can easily go to music. Do you have music to go with it?
Now for some criticism. This is meant constuctively, and you have to decide whether to accept it or not.
The first two verses are too vanilla. They are'nt engaging enough, and they are too repetitive. Another problem with these verses is that you sound a little pompous - like you think you can be her saviour if she only lets you. In songs, that sort of attitude puts the listener off. It makes us think, no wonder she's turned off. This guy is basically telling her that he is "what's best for her". If that isn't what you meant, then read it through and understand how I am reading that into it, and make sure no one else does.
These two verses are also full of cliched rhyming patterns. Look at the last three words of the first seven lines:
...need to know
...you can be
...from our fall
...you show me
...you can be
...you will see
...want to be
Sounds like you wrote these as an afterthought. Go back and think, and write something original.
The 'red laced thong' in the chorus is a little graphic for the rest of the piece. Note: I have been called on this same type of incongruity, and I have never changed my lyrics as a result. But the red-laced thong takes on a lurid tone, expecially since it is in the chorus, and it keeps coming back. It turns some unknown event involving the thong, into the central event that the song revolves around. I don't know it it was an inappropriate gift from you to her, or something she found in the back seat of your car. If this is indeed the event that the story turns on, then you haven't explained the situation enough to bring it all together. If it's just a symbolic event that hints at your differences, then I suggest toning down the language, maybe to hint at the situation, but not shove it in our faces so much. Otherwise, that is a fine chorus.
It's a good first effort to post here. Sometimes you can go back and fix lyrics, and sometimes you just get bogged down. Either way, keep writing and post some more!
Now for some criticism. This is meant constuctively, and you have to decide whether to accept it or not.
The first two verses are too vanilla. They are'nt engaging enough, and they are too repetitive. Another problem with these verses is that you sound a little pompous - like you think you can be her saviour if she only lets you. In songs, that sort of attitude puts the listener off. It makes us think, no wonder she's turned off. This guy is basically telling her that he is "what's best for her". If that isn't what you meant, then read it through and understand how I am reading that into it, and make sure no one else does.
These two verses are also full of cliched rhyming patterns. Look at the last three words of the first seven lines:
...need to know
...you can be
...from our fall
...you show me
...you can be
...you will see
...want to be
Sounds like you wrote these as an afterthought. Go back and think, and write something original.
The 'red laced thong' in the chorus is a little graphic for the rest of the piece. Note: I have been called on this same type of incongruity, and I have never changed my lyrics as a result. But the red-laced thong takes on a lurid tone, expecially since it is in the chorus, and it keeps coming back. It turns some unknown event involving the thong, into the central event that the song revolves around. I don't know it it was an inappropriate gift from you to her, or something she found in the back seat of your car. If this is indeed the event that the story turns on, then you haven't explained the situation enough to bring it all together. If it's just a symbolic event that hints at your differences, then I suggest toning down the language, maybe to hint at the situation, but not shove it in our faces so much. Otherwise, that is a fine chorus.
It's a good first effort to post here. Sometimes you can go back and fix lyrics, and sometimes you just get bogged down. Either way, keep writing and post some more!
i agree, i think, with kings. the read thong part just sort of jumped out at me and i can`t really say that i understand it very well. it is quite hidden from the audience`s understanding.
my brain had trouble reading the lines like "you can be what you want to be". i think it`s because the word "be" appears a lot in the text towards the beginning.
i do like, however, when you throw in the line: But at this instant, you`re resistant, to anything that involves me. that`s good.
personally (playing off of kings' comment on your current chorus) i think that the line i just mentioned might have made a nice, catchy chorus if you were to add a few other things to it!
your 3rd-to-last stanza is good too, i think. but, it`s playing into the mystery that we as readers can`t grasp yet. your statement, "please let me be what i want to be" is an interesting one, but the problem is that i, as the audience, can`t make a very good guess at what the character wants to be. i can`t tell if he wants to be the "saviour", as kings said, or if he`d like to put that red thong on her
i dunno though-- any response?
my brain had trouble reading the lines like "you can be what you want to be". i think it`s because the word "be" appears a lot in the text towards the beginning.
i do like, however, when you throw in the line: But at this instant, you`re resistant, to anything that involves me. that`s good.
personally (playing off of kings' comment on your current chorus) i think that the line i just mentioned might have made a nice, catchy chorus if you were to add a few other things to it!
your 3rd-to-last stanza is good too, i think. but, it`s playing into the mystery that we as readers can`t grasp yet. your statement, "please let me be what i want to be" is an interesting one, but the problem is that i, as the audience, can`t make a very good guess at what the character wants to be. i can`t tell if he wants to be the "saviour", as kings said, or if he`d like to put that red thong on her
i dunno though-- any response?
| chorus |
TonightsLastSong wrote…
i do like, however, when you throw in the line: But at this instant, you`re resistant, to anything that involves me. that`s good.
personally (playing off of kings' comment on your current chorus) i think that the line i just mentioned might have made a nice, catchy chorus if you were to add a few other things to it!
It's Simon's comments, not Kings.
Anyways, I agree - that could make a much stronger and catchier chorus, and seems to capture the essence of the story better.I also liked the "instant/resistant" word play.
ummmmmmmm, I think the guy was caught "red" handed cheating....sorry for the thong...hmmm so you f'ed up and now your no longer together? You would like her forgiveness and show you how to be the man you know she deserves and the man you would like to be but.......... without her forgiveness and help it wont be possible? Regardless, I like it.....welcome to the amp!
Oh, tone the language down? a little graphic? WOW!
Oh, tone the language down? a little graphic? WOW!
oops, sorry simon...
Hey I'm not up there! I'm down here, I come in later! Remember!
Now, Hi sam3219, are there so many Sams on bandAmp?
I'm kings and I did not say what TLS has attributed to me above. I've just come in for god sake!
I'd like to say that I also felt the cliches in the beginning but felt them more as a lot of e's coming into the mouth and the same goes for what TLS said about the be's.
I also thought that :
'But at this instant
Your resistant
To anything that involves me'
was good, and so is :
'And hope you stay
Try to delay
The time when you will move along'
I also agree on the thong thing, though I found it funny as I read, but it does stick out, you can feel it.
simon has a lyric here, which has a line in it that jumps out and kind of wipes it's self across your face while the rest of the lyric is seeped in magical imagination.
simon in good by the way, you should check out his work.
Something I personally don't like in songs is a man being all soppy and week for a woman, I understand it but don't like it! Even if simon were to throw the argument in here that you can write about experiences you haven't had, I still don't like it.
I mean a good woman wants a good man, not some useless shriveling wimp who'll do anything for her!
Nooo!
Please don't take this personal in any way I'm just going off on one of my own conviction trips.
And I live alone so that says enough!
You know poetry and song lyrics differ, in that poetry sounds odd/unique to music while lyrics for a song can sound odd when read. This might sound excellent as a sung song!
This argument includes things like attitudes, when a work is read the reader translates it, but it's not a book so you must use less words to say more, but when a piece is read or sung the true emotions can take place.
So if simon thinks your a bit cocky at the beginning, well, it might come over differently as a song.
Hope you stick around for a while bandAmp is a cool and simple place to explore.
Now, Hi sam3219, are there so many Sams on bandAmp?
I'm kings and I did not say what TLS has attributed to me above. I've just come in for god sake!
I'd like to say that I also felt the cliches in the beginning but felt them more as a lot of e's coming into the mouth and the same goes for what TLS said about the be's.
I also thought that :
'But at this instant
Your resistant
To anything that involves me'
was good, and so is :
'And hope you stay
Try to delay
The time when you will move along'
I also agree on the thong thing, though I found it funny as I read, but it does stick out, you can feel it.
simon has a lyric here, which has a line in it that jumps out and kind of wipes it's self across your face while the rest of the lyric is seeped in magical imagination.
simon in good by the way, you should check out his work.
Something I personally don't like in songs is a man being all soppy and week for a woman, I understand it but don't like it! Even if simon were to throw the argument in here that you can write about experiences you haven't had, I still don't like it.
I mean a good woman wants a good man, not some useless shriveling wimp who'll do anything for her!
Nooo!Please don't take this personal in any way I'm just going off on one of my own conviction trips.
And I live alone so that says enough!
You know poetry and song lyrics differ, in that poetry sounds odd/unique to music while lyrics for a song can sound odd when read. This might sound excellent as a sung song!
This argument includes things like attitudes, when a work is read the reader translates it, but it's not a book so you must use less words to say more, but when a piece is read or sung the true emotions can take place.
So if simon thinks your a bit cocky at the beginning, well, it might come over differently as a song.
Hope you stick around for a while bandAmp is a cool and simple place to explore.
Hello everybody, thanks for the replies. I'll try to do something with the lyrics and see what happens. It's good that you all helped to point out that the "thong" was too graphic because I did not realise. To answer your question Simon I don't have any music for it. I can't play any instument at all. 
SAM
SAM
Hi! Welcome to the Amp!! 
Check this out: http://forum.bandamp.com/Lessons/39633.html
So, you wrote this as a poem?
I started writing poems myself at the age of 6... Then I learned to play guitar, and I put music to it..
Check this out: http://forum.bandamp.com/Lessons/39633.html
So, you wrote this as a poem?
I started writing poems myself at the age of 6... Then I learned to play guitar, and I put music to it..
So if you didn't write it as a poem then you wrote it as a lyric, and if you wrote it as a lyric you either sung it to your self or you hummed the tune to your self, ipso facto 'you got the music in you'.
I've got two guitars that I say I don't play (though I do a little) and links like Kine's are well worth spending time at!
It all depends how you see/hear you lyrics. BandAmp is made of musicians, you could look for a collaboration with someone. Do you sing or are you 'strictly come writing'?
I've got two guitars that I say I don't play (though I do a little) and links like Kine's are well worth spending time at!
It all depends how you see/hear you lyrics. BandAmp is made of musicians, you could look for a collaboration with someone. Do you sing or are you 'strictly come writing'?
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