I took a joy ride
Stepped out on the slip side
Never saw what hit me
Set me up to take a fall
Now I’m looking backward
But my vision must be fractured
‘Cause this world looks the same except
I don’t see you at all

I’ve searched the upside
I’ve searched the downside
Now I’m searching through this bottle
But I can’t recall your name
By the time I get to midnight
I’ll forget I ever knew you
But I know that in the morning
I will miss you just the same.

Is this a "Set me up to take a fall"?

I like the last half of the last verse.

And the first two lines start it well.

But the rest seems 'manufactured' , I don't mean that as harshly as it sounds, I'm just following a good example.

Though I can follow it's construction,  like 'fractured' a good rhyme for 'backward' and fits with the initial inspirational flow of the first two lines,
the rest falls into place.

[editorial correction] I think the last half of the last verse is really good,
simple yet clever words.

Kings, that is the kind of feedback I value, and very perceptive at that. Thank you.


I think maybe it's the "searching through this bottle but I can't recall your name" part that sounds a little manufactured - like i bought it at the dollar store, and I got tired of seeing it in the pantry, so I decided to use it as an ingredient in something?

It's really just a little diddy anyways, isn't it....? is it worth working on, or would perfection still leave the whole thing tasting like an Egg McMuffin?

**But even 'the Diddy men' were great!!!**

Hope you see this for what it is

This is how excited I got about those opening lines :

I took a joy ride
Stepped out on to the slip side
Went over the jagged edge
Tore down the high-way

I went with the high-tide
Lost my self in her eyes
Found that falling for her, completely
Was all I could do
I'm also going off the path slightly, but it's those two opening lines they are really strong and open.

Yes I picked out the bottle too, just didn't want to offend by commenting, you might have a drink/bottle problem and really wanted to express it.

I could get into dissecting this here poem of yours Simon.

Like
 "I’ve searched the upside
I’ve searched the downside"
are only there to keep the time (or what ever it's called), there's a certain 'obviousness' about them.

And
"‘Cause this world looks the same except
I don’t see you at all"
is the only indication and reference to what it's about, that 'you miss her!'

Interesting comments, kings, and well appreciated. I don't have a bottle problem, but you shouldn't pull your punches worrying about it. When someone puts their work out there, it's fair game. I think the bottom line about this is that it's a very "light" look at an angst-filled situation (Jimmy Buffet?) and it feels like a cop-out to you. We each read or listen to lyrics from our own perspective, and we project ourselves on them, which is what is so wonderful about music and poetry. The reviewer should be free to express his/her thoughts unfettered, and the artist should consider all criticism and determines what is applicable - benefit from what you can benefit from, and discard what you can't. If you like what you've written, your artistic conviction ad integrity will stand up to any criticism.

You would, in effect, create a different song out of this, that would not capture at all what I was trying to capture. And that is fine. But I won't try to counter your suggestions by "explaining" what I was trying to convey or otherwise justifying or defending it. That would be like a comedian explaining his jokes. The piece has to stand on it's own, and whether the storm. It doesn't hit the mark with you. That may be partly personal preference, but it also says that my communication wasn't good enough.

That said, I don't have that level of integrity and conviction in this piece. Truth be told, I posted it because I was tired of all the flattery from some of my other pieces, and I knew this would (or at least should)attract some suggestions. I wanted to see if you guys were paying attention, and you were! It confirms the integrity of this site as a place where I can get honest feedback.

So thanks for the honesty. It feels great!