I look at myself in the mirror
and all I see is you
What happened to the reflection of me
I was so used to

stole my reflection
with your shattering gaze
I'm all you and I
Can't stand to be this way

what else have you taken from me
Because nothing seems to be here
did you steal my emotions
because I never shed tears

I've tried to give it time
after all time heals
But once again I'm empty
alone as cold as steel
and I've given all I had for you
the least thing you can do
is cry for me

You really have it going in the first two verses. Those verses are visceral emotion - what you see when you look in your mirror. We've all looked in the mirror before and been taken aback at what we see, and it can be the powerful experience you describe.

But in verse three you seem to lose the inspiration, and you revert to a this self-searching mode, this feeling of emptiness you have, which is so general it feels like a cliche, and in verse four you try to sum it up, but it disintegrates.

I think you can improve this by write the whole verse as a description of your image in the mirror. See the emptiness you feel, and tell me what it looks like. See the time that has passed, right there on your face. This will keep the piece cohesive, consist ant, raw and POWERFUL. You have it in you to do this, you just need to work at on sustaining your inspiration long enough to get it onto paper.

Thank you for your comments!
some ppl think that advice is bad however I say...bring it on!!
Thanks Simon!

tears in my eyes! honestly.

That piece is touching, I really like it

'I'm all you and I' - love it

To follow Simons comments, I will agree with him about verse three that it stumbles out of pattern and that (simon says) "sustaining your inspiration long enough" is what it's all about. Sustaining the inspiration and weaving it into words that keep the same pattern, time and potency.

I think 'verse' 4 would make a nice chorus,

Except for "the least thing you can do", it could be how its said in the US but it sounds odd to my ear, I'd say 'the last thing you can do' or 'the least you can do'.

So do you sing?

That last verse could be a chorus. I also agree about the phrase, "the least thing you can do". That isn't an Americanism. Is it a typo, Sahara?

Kings:
Yes I do sing, and play electric guitar. However I don't have the gear to put this on the computer or I would. Thank you for your comments, the song makes me cry everytime I read it or play it!(real life experience)
Simon:
Thanks for all your comments!
and I don't think it's a typo.

Hey an awful lot can be done without 'all' kinds of equipment.
I know it all depends on how 'desperate' you are to record, obviously the better your equipment the better the quality of the production.

You have a sound card on your PC do you not?
Surfing this site will give you plenty of links to software on the web if that's the problem.

I'm surprised to read that it's not a typo, because it is the one thing that sounds 'odd'.

It's not a typo, this person (in the song) is sayin that she's done everything for him, since she can't cry, thats all she wants from him, is to cry for her.
I haven't been on this site that long, I will however try to surf it a little more. I don't have a sound card on this computer. You have been an excellent help to me and I truly thank you!

READ THIS SONG AN LEAVE ME A COMMENT!

waiting.....& waiting....

I just re-read this, and I liked it a lot more than the first time. You don't always 'get it' the first time, same with music. Reading your comment about how emotional this is for you really helped me to see it that way. If you were singing it, I would imagine, or at least hope, that your emotion would come through, which is exactly what it needs. Good work.

Thank you this song was kinda emotional. and I am glad that it is portrayed through the lyrics.

If you aren't emotional about your writing, you don't have a song

I've read this again, on demand, and would you believe it I've come up with exactly the same thing.

I think 'I'm all you and I' is a lovely line, and that "the least thing you can do" still sounds wrong.

So you have no sound card? pity you cant fully enjoy bandAmp because there's a lot of music on here that you need a sound card to listen too.

Nice cars you've got by the way.

Simon: I totally agree, no emotion, no song.
Kings: Love my cars! I Can listen to other people's music, but don't know how to upload my own. I will reconsider that line "the least thing you can do" I like it for some odd reason. thank you for keeping up on my song!  By the way have you read reaper821's song Broken? It is awesome. read it!