#1December 2nd, 2010 · 01:27 AM
24 threads
319 posts
Malaysia
Sorrow Season
I want this as a song. I know the concept, just don't have a melody. Heh. juxtaposed electro beats

She drew out the moon,
a half smile carved plain
a refrain;
disdain
 
She buried seeds
grief to sow
a grave to grow
she burnt leaves
to watch them glow
fire to eye,
please ignite my soul
eye to fire
blind by coal
singing to hide her
half smile.
 
Could she see that
leaves are
fire coloured
in the raving fall?
And ice melts
after winter time
and flowers crawl
after the rainfall?
And that the lights crawl back out
in the night
in the star holed sky
and the moonlight;
smile.
 
In the lake that she drew
to drown her sorrows in
hunger;
a monster
 
She swallowed deep
as ice froze
air gave to snow
summon the yeti
to hear him growl
fire to eye,
please ignite my soul
eye to fire
blind by coal
fighting to hide her
half smile.
 
Dragged feet
hanging low
crawling her way
across the floor
how could she have known
that sorrow season
was a creation; of her own; mind?
 
blind;
half smile.
 
Could she see that
leaves are
fire coloured
in the raving fall?
And ice melts
after winter time
and flowers crawl
after the rainfall?
And that the lights crawl back out
in the night
in the star holed sky
and the moonlight;
smile.
 
Smile.
#2December 2nd, 2010 · 06:24 AM
187 threads / 27 songs
2,806 posts
Germany
not bad... let me learn to smile
#3December 2nd, 2010 · 07:54 PM
91 threads / 11 songs
884 posts
United States of America
You have a way of stirring together such a powerful array of images, concepts and sentiments all in one piece it takes several readings to take it all in. I would really love to hear (if there was a way to do so) your aural concept of how this becomes a song. You mention electro beats. There has GOT to be a way to get your musical ideas incorporated into this because I have a feeling they would be  fundamental elements in making this even more powerful.
#4December 13th, 2010 · 10:37 PM
24 threads
319 posts
Malaysia
battlecat wrote…
You have a way of stirring together such a powerful array of images, concepts and sentiments all in one piece it takes several readings to take it all in. I would really love to hear (if there was a way to do so) your aural concept of how this becomes a song. You mention electro beats. There has GOT to be a way to get your musical ideas incorporated into this because I have a feeling they would be  fundamental elements in making this even more powerful.

Believe me, I would love to hear my aural concepts become a song too! Unfortunately I'm ill-equipped and am not really an expert in any one instrument, I think I work better if I jammed with peeps. But who'd wanna jam with me? ahaha....

If it's any help, I vaguely remember writing this while listening to Ellie Goulding's song "Lights". It doesn't have anything to do with my song, I'm just telling you this so you can have an idea of the headspace I was in while writing. If that makes any sense :P
#5December 18th, 2010 · 04:41 PM
340 threads / 59 songs
4,344 posts
United Kingdom
Beautiful.....

I have a few points for you though...
Take out 'that'...... I'd say it reads truer to it's path.
Yeti...........is odd! He kind of sticks out, the ghoul or the beast or something general like that would keep the attention.
I dont understand 'blind by coal', blind like coal or dark as coal I could follow.

Squze the criticism,  it's just that it's such a good piece.
So do you sing them to your self or at least say them out loud sometimes......it's a part of making something real, you also get to understand it's flow by letting it flow out.

I'd say if you uploaded an a cappella version of this, whether sung or said, I'm sure someone would pick up on it, and if they dont I know a site where they might ! 
#6January 7th, 2011 · 11:13 PM
1 threads / 1 songs
10 posts
United States of America
I think the phrase "the leaves were fire colored" has very strong imagery.  It seems to me as though the scene portrayed is one that is beautiful, out of control, chaotic yet organic in a way.  I have a couple critiques:

And ice melts
after winter time
and flowers crawl
after the rainfall?
And that the lights crawl back out
in the night

there are some instances of redundancy such as crawl above.  Also I really like your word choice overall, but some adjectives could be substituted. 

Very interesting, make sure to let us know when you create this one!!!
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