#1July 3rd, 2006 · 02:17 AM
48 threads / 7 songs
429 posts
United States of America
Your Swallowed Sins
all right these are the finished version of "quick i need help with this" lol thanks to spoon who helped me with some spelling errors and some words to help it flow better
and thenks to Misunderstood for a few lines i needed to make this more of a song than just a ramble of words feed back would be lovely if you could give it to me thanks all

-- the paper doll


How do you fake a loving smile?
How do you make such perfect lies?
Your body lay on the cold tile
and all you can do is cry

where are my pills for broken dreams?
Where are my pills for broken hearts?
Where are my pills to mend these things?


Empty bottles lie on the floor
Making an ocean, still want more
Overdosed on imperfection
Your mind goes numb, lacking direction

The pain you feel is so unreal
All I want is for you to heal
You ask, you beg, you cry and pray
Can't someone take the pain away
The people you despise
Swarm and cluster behind closed eyes
Wondering if you realized
 all you’ve ever heard were lies


Where are my pills for broken dreams?
Where are my pills for broken hearts?
Where are my pills to mend these things?

How do you fake a loving smile?
How do you make such perfect lies?
Your body lay on the cold tile
and all you can do is cry
#2July 3rd, 2006 · 11:24 AM
115 threads / 18 songs
1,414 posts
United States of America
hoo boy.  i've been there

normally, i'm not a fan of rhyming too much, but whatever you did, you did it well.  the rhyming wasn't distracting at all, i didn't think. 

as for what is written, i think it's good-- it'll work great.  i have a thought, but you can ignore it if you think i'm pulling the song away from the intended feel.

a lot of times, songs have some sort of developement... resolution... a problem that changes as the song progresses...  as for the song in it's current state, it seems like it has a single main idea and it does a good job of embelishing it, but there's no change or mutation at all.  now, you may have some change / mutation planned for the music; music can be great for that when the lyrics stay steady all the way through.  anyway, i just wanted to point that out.

as for what the mutation would be... i have no idea   it's your song.  your idea.  your story.
#3July 3rd, 2006 · 10:31 PM
48 threads / 7 songs
429 posts
United States of America
well thank you im farely proud of these lyrics if you can tell
#4July 17th, 2006 · 12:36 AM
8 threads / 8 songs
31 posts
Portugal
Can you try crossing some of the rhymes? That would make the thing sound more ellaborate and professional in my opinion...
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