Hey, these are lyrics to a song I am working on, and kind of stalled on. Let me know your thoughts or ideas. D.


Clearly our tangled sorrows twist the threads
To weave this tapestry
Frayed and undone along the edges,
Has this story untold me?
As we starve for sacred memories
Don't raise your holy hand to me

I'm just a line forgotten
A house abandoned

I am moved like you
And I can't erase the fact I'm broken too
My fears are giants and I'm crushed
Underneath the weight of us
And the dust of hope is blown away
Blown away

All you said was one word,
Unspoken since that day
In our closet hangs the empty home
Where children used to play
We take it out on holidays
Our love's a frightened runaway

I'm just a token promise
Told to a stranger

I am moved like you
And I can't erase the fact I'm broken too
My fears are giants and I'm crushed
Underneath the weight of us
And the dust of hope is blown away
Blown away

ok.. in response...

I'll tell you what I think.

well, to be honest, I really like the lyrics. they're unique..

however.. the lack of proper timing (meter? that what it's called?) makes it a bit hard to hear.

but, if you've already got music in mind, then that's not a problem.

er... if I have to critique something, it's this line:
"My fears are giants and I'm crushed
By the weight of being crushed"

crushed by the weight of being crushed.. leaves something to be desired.. at least to me. know what I mean?

anyway... my 2

i like the words a lot.  i like screwing the metre and all that when i'm writing ideas and whatever.  the words will fit the music, i think.  and i really do like the words, specifically,

All you said was one word,
Unspoken since that day
In our closet hangs the empty home
Where children used to play
We take it out on holidays
Our love's a frightened runaway

it's leaves a mysterious feeling in my brain

so, i'll admit, that i paused on the "crushed" lines.  i think it'll work fine though if the word "crushed" isn't the last syllable on both lines, melodically speaking.  it's fine if the word ends both lines when written like it is, but i might try to make the By the weight of being crushed line rush right into the next line, which is And the dust of hope is blown away.

and i like the title.  i'm not usually a fan of one word titles, but "Deferred" is a good one, in my opinion.  it's not all that common of a word in everyday speach

best of luck to you!

Ok. After it was mentioned, I had to agree that the "crushed by the weight of being crushed" line, didn't really say anything. This is my change. Hopefully a little better. I still don't have a great idea for music although I think I like the melody I used. You can listen to it under my songs: deferred 3

aha!  that works very well   i likes it.  i have no way to listen to songs though right now.  i only get to use ghetto computers here in canada   nothing against canada, but rather, their public libraries

i likes it though.  good stuff