#1November 7th, 2007 · 05:11 PM
2 threads
22 posts
United States of America
Times of Right
Since I've reviewed a few sets of other people's lyrics, I thought it only fair to post something of my own for scrutiny.  I wrote this song a couple years ago and have music for it.  This song will be on an EP I'm working on with one of my current projects.

Times of Right
Copyright 2005 Jason Carey

Verse:
In fight or flight,
Stay and fight,
In dark or light,
Stay in light,
In times of black,
and times of white,
Rip me apart,
and build me up right,

Chorus:
In times of falling down,
we'll understand the doubt,
in times of running around,
we'll be the ones looking down,

Verse:
I am in,
A place of sin,
The sin of sin,
Is where we begin,
the place we die,
will not be right,
the place we start,
will always be right,

Chorus

Verse:
The place of fire,
is in our hearts,
the place of earth,
is in our hearts,
after hate,
begin to despise,
after love,
become unwise

Chorus
#2November 8th, 2007 · 02:37 AM
97 threads / 43 songs
500 posts
Australia
As always, the big issue I find with reviewing lyrics is that I don't have a melody to work from, so it's all judged purely from words, and a great song needn't have the most poetic lyrics.
Ok, I think this is really cool, it is quite poetic. The short phrasing will probably work well in song, however, I don't really like using short phrases because it sounds kind of static, the chain of thoughts is less fluid when you use short phrases as there's a greater importance on rhyme. Also, there were quite a few words that were repeated, sin, light. Now that may work in advantage of the music, but lyrically speaking, if you can substitute the words it sounds more elaborate and thought provoking. The first and second verse, rhyming words: flight, fight light, light and in, sin, sin, begin. I think that it sounds awkward having the short phrases and the constant need to rhyme, I'm getting the feeling that it's holding you back from developing the lyric to it's fullest potential.

I think you have a decent writing style, the chorus is great, and it may sound really great in song, but I think that the short phrasing and rhymes (I'd suggest every 2nd line) are just holding you back from coming up with something brilliant.
#3November 8th, 2007 · 02:57 AM
2 threads
22 posts
United States of America
Thank you for the input.  The short phrasing seems akward on paper, but like you said, without the melody they don't make total sense in structure.  I hope to load up the finished version when finished, thank you again!
#4November 8th, 2007 · 06:12 AM
340 threads / 59 songs
4,344 posts
United Kingdom
Good review WB, I personally can like short snappy cocky lyrics, if they are done well.
This is good but the repeating of the slightly simple rhyme keeps it 'slightly simple' where as a tighter rhyme would seal it.
You're content doesn't 'take me' either :

in times of running around,
we'll be the ones looking down,
or
after love,
become unwise

The imagery is a bit blur.
But I know how a lyric can change completely when heard in the right context , in a song, so yes I also want to hear the finished version.
#5November 8th, 2007 · 02:34 PM
2 threads
22 posts
United States of America
Thank you for the feedback, Kings.  I'll be sure to upload the song when it's ready!
#6November 9th, 2007 · 11:57 AM
371 threads / 187 songs
3,380 posts
United Kingdom
I find it easier to create music to this layout.

I'm no expert either.

Cheers

denis
#7November 12th, 2007 · 04:44 AM
3 posts
United Kingdom
SlightlyStoopid wrote…
Thank you for the input.  The short phrasing seems akward on paper, but like you said, without the melody they don't make total sense in structure.  I hope to load up the finished version when finished, thank you again!

Yep, that's pretty much what I would have said. I'm sure it fits well to the music.
#8November 12th, 2007 · 09:47 AM
115 threads / 18 songs
1,414 posts
United States of America
SS (#1, hahaha) It makes me happy that you're going to upload this after working on it... See, many people just use this forum for posting songs that will never be recorded because they don't do that sort of thing-- lots of people just write and write and write and that's where it ends.

I'm looking forward to hearing from you
#9November 12th, 2007 · 12:08 PM
2 threads
22 posts
United States of America
Thank you guys for your input, I really do appreciate it.
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