Hi... I'd like to be the first one to post something here.

I have uploaded this song recently, for various reasons, one of them being the lyrical content. I'd like to know how my fellow bandampers look at these lyrics... What they can make of it...

I picked these lyrics to post here because it may be interesting to know that I've done this song in a band I used to play in, and it was sung by a woman. For the purpose, we did rename that song One Way Down ofcourse...

So fire away... I am thick skinned... Analyse it to little tidbits... Squish it dry... If you like....

Maybe... to get you started, you could try answering one or more of the following questions: Can you relate? Do you care? What does it make you think of? How does it make you feel? How is the imagery? Is it cohesive? Can you see a clear storyline? What is the story? How would you tell the story, or express these emotions? In what context do you see/would you place the lyrics (or the song)?


ONE MAN DOWN

come this way, contemplate on love in progress, working
behind the windows blind
as one denies the struggling, this reborn fury
will never see the light

wide awake, still this beating in my head is growing strong
on love exists in time
I can't explain this being deep in touch with all good things denied
way pushed here out of line...

sometimes I wish I never met you, never bothered
I would not have been the same
as they say, a perfect happiness cannot be reached
but I'm trying to find a way

wide awake, still I'm sore and bitter, forced to give you up
"it couldn't last forever" for an excuse
I'd like some explanation why there was no chance to pull it off
now look at what remains

wide awake, and the sorrow and regrets and all the shame
I wish a wish that don't come true
with all good luck - well I've measured all things up time and again
it's a one man down....

one man down

On 2nd read-through I think it works better as One Man Down. The imagery is more powerful in your original context (i.e sung by a woman on her own again). Sorry to be brief - urgent JavaScript problem (which u will know if you're using IE to look at BandAMP)

thanks,

and yes... but isn't there a shift in imagery when it is done by a woman?

HAHA, I love your upfront questions!
I can't put into words why I like your lyrics, they are illussive enough to be intriguing but also aggressive in their own way.

IMO, it would work with man or way. It would suit a woman to sing it both ways, but it would suit a guy more to sing "one way down".
Can you relate? yes
Do you care? yes
What does it make you think of? someone lying in bed thinking about recent events that have brought about a bitter experience or an experience with an outcome that was undesirable. And that's a generic answer although the lyrics are not generic, but the idea is.
How does it make you feel? It puts into words, for me, a deep emotion that I have felt when recalling my own experiences of losing something/someone.
How is the imagery? The imagery is great. It is real to life. It is someone trying to come to grips with reality and trying to fuse hope into their reality. This person, IMO, is in their most vulnerable state: lying face up in bed and heartbroken by life, but not just the life they have been dealt, but a life they have made bc it says: "with sorrow, regrets and shame"; meaning if they have regrets then they made a choice they wish they didn't. Yet, before that they are asking someone else why they weren't able to pull it off. Which is so real in life, bc I know personally when I fail, I know why I have failed in my own self but I still ask others, "What went wrong?" As if they'd have the balls to tell me "bc you're a moron!"
I can't explain this being deep in touch with all good things denied
way pushed here out of line... Again, striking a deep chord with me. It's hard for me to explain such a deep emotion of sorrow and grief mostly coupled with regret and shame.
Is it cohesive? I can't really say without the music.
Can you see a clear storyline? yes
What is the story? I think I already explained that.
How would you tell the story, or express these emotions? In a song I wrote call "Enough" which will be posted soon.
In what context do you see/would you place the lyrics (or the song)? Are you a teacher?  Are you going to correct my bad English and run-on sentences?
Just some thoughts: I really like the lyrics and, yes, I can relate.

yea, that last question was a deliberate bugger!

Wow, I am glad you have confirmed the most important things about these lyrics, indeed at the time I wrote them I DID spend a lot of time lying on bed, just staring at the ceiling, figuring... I'm glad I'm not alone in this matter. Makes me feel less of an alien.

What remains (to me) is the opening verse... I'll try myself:

come this way, contemplate on love in progress,

is an invitation to listen closely and think about it

working
behind the windows blind

just to think it over, without looking at other things outside the subject matter; closing the windows to other things (that may be more interesting) to just... focus

as one denies the struggling, this reborn fury
will never see the light

is what I'm still struggling with to understand, and I mean the lyric.... I know I wrote it, but what does it really say? ?

hmmm...
One aspect that comes to mind for me is a denial of a relationship and the reasons the relationship failed.
"this reborn fury"-an annoying trait this person had, your vain attempts to calmly express your irritation, their vain attempts at being considerate.
So in your heartache, the disappointment, anger and bitterness have grown into "What if's?" and "What might have been's." In other words, in recalling the details, the struggles you had are dissapating, never seeing the light.

At least that's what it makes me think of. IMO, it's a pretty good look into the struggles of a heart.