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Thanks to Jimk for trying the drums but I couldn't get them to fit in the song so I made some using fruityloops

I changed the instrumentation to guitars, bass, drums and vocals.

So yeah tell me what you think

Lyrics:

Everytime when you looked at me
You'd always tell me what I can't do
But one day I will show you what
What I can do what I've become

And you'll wish that you had stayed with me
And you'll wish that we were meant to be
When the whole world sees just what I've done
You'll wish that you had stayed
With the boy on the front page

And you'll wish that you had stayed with me (boy on the front page)
And you'll wish that we were meant to be (boy on the front page)
When the whole world sees just what I've done (boy on the front page)
You'll wish that you had stayed
With the boy on the front page

It's much more full...  I would like the drums to be up more in the mix, and you need to relax a bit on your vocals.. I think you are a bit nervous, and holding back to much, It is the same problem I have... I have been having a devil of a time getting past my own fear of hearing myself sing... 

Yeah you're right.

Thanks Jimk!

Anyway I've decided to pay a company $75 to record this song professionaly then have me record the vocals, then they're going to mix and master it

There is something about your voice and piano that fit this perfectly. I hesitate to suggest this, but if it isn't too late, perhaps another person as a back up for the 'boy on the front page' part. A female voice would add a sense of depth to the visualization. It isn't just the singer thinking these words, but someone else saying it.

I liked the first version, without the drums, but the drums can work if they are natural enough, which you really achieved with the limited use of them. A great sense of self and style here. I like it.

The only other thought I had was the breath-pop on the other version. I think an attractive sock over the mic can help with breath mistakes, but that might have been artifact created somewhere else instead.