#1August 14th, 2017 · 06:17 PM
124 threads / 30 songs
1,407 posts
United States of America
You Knew I Was Poison (August 30d)
*

This song is not in a battle


Not a concept track, just being moody and experimental.  I wanted vocals that were probably too blurry to make out all by themselves, but weren't so hard to follow if you already knew what they said.

I've been battling a cold for the last week and a bit, so I didn't actually put more down on this than my first vocal run.  It's pretty close to what I want, but some of the wording/rhythm on the first part should probably be smoothed out.  I probably went overboard with holding the sustain pedal, and so the dynamics are a little sharp in places too.

I guess consider it a draft that I'll table for now!


You knew I was poison
You saw it in me but you reasoned
Things can't be just so black and white
It's plain what I see when we lie alone
with my fingers on your brow and in your hair

I won't see you anymore
I know what I said,
What I said we'd know by now

You can hate me or you say it's good
These things that are nothing short of my blank childhood
Glow-in-the-dark blue,
I'll light up my darkness and find naught but you

I won't see you anymore
I know what I said full well,
What I pretend to know just now


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#2August 17th, 2017 · 07:43 PM
208 threads / 64 songs
2,287 posts
United Kingdom
re: You Knew I Was Poison (August 30d)
TonightsLastSong wrote…
Not a concept track, just being moody and experimental.  I wanted vocals that were probably too blurry to make out all by themselves, but weren't so hard to follow if you already knew what they said.

I've been battling a cold for the last week and a bit, so I didn't actually put more down on this than my first vocal run.  It's pretty close to what I want, but some of the wording/rhythm on the first part should probably be smoothed out.  I probably went overboard with holding the sustain pedal, and so the dynamics are a little sharp in places too.

I guess consider it a draft that I'll table for now!


You knew I was poison
You saw it in me but you reasoned
Things can't be just so black and white
It's plain what I see when we lie alone
with my fingers on your brow and in your hair

I won't see you anymore
I know what I said,
What I said we'd know by now

You can hate me or you say it's good
These things that are nothing short of my blank childhood
Glow-in-the-dark blue,
I'll light up my darkness and find naught but you

I won't see you anymore
I know what I said full well,
What I pretend to know just now


THE CONCEPT IS FREAKING AWSOME

The Delivery has a boatload of issues

I Love this
#3August 17th, 2017 · 08:42 PM
124 threads / 30 songs
1,407 posts
United States of America
Aaayyy          Thanks!
#4August 23rd, 2017 · 06:21 AM
116 threads / 53 songs
3,056 posts
Netherlands
I get what you mean about the first part wording/rhythm to be smoothed out, it seems to counter the piano part in a suboptimal way. I do like the piano bit, the heavy use of sustain is forgivable seing the overall subject matter.

Also quite a bit too much on the vocal processing if you ask me, if you want them to be muffled a bit I suggest making use of filters (going in direction of telephone voice) and not so much or a more subtle reverb. At least give the vocals a distinct seperation from the piano, which is also heavy on sustain, or else you risk the whole track to sound muddled.

But top marks for the atmosphere, hell yeah!
#5August 25th, 2017 · 06:46 PM
208 threads / 64 songs
2,287 posts
United Kingdom
You Knew I Was Poison (August 30d)
So maybe deliver these ideas ... in a "clearer"better way?

pragmatic fish
#6August 25th, 2017 · 08:16 PM
124 threads / 30 songs
1,407 posts
United States of America
re: You Knew I Was Poison (August 30d)
Yeah, I definitely went back and forth on how filtered/reverby the vocal tracks should be.  And I still basically like the direction it wentórecognizable if you remember the words, but just a spoken melody if you don't.

This particular round of feedback (basically just "make it better") makes me want to push the "spoken melody" thing harder, though, not back off of it.  To me, genericizing it into just another song we've all heard before sounds like the most boring idea in the world, to be honest.  That's not to say it couldn't be a good song that way, it's just that I'm not really breaking new ground for myself or anyone really if all I do is post a questionably metered piano track and sad lyrics about "oh no, we're over now".  (I could listen to millions of other peoples' songs, better written and better executed, if that's all I wanted, right?)

I'm packing stuff and moving back into Phoenix in a couple of weeks, and after that I'm still not sure when I'd revisit the song.  Mood stuff is going a long way for me for now (Militia Nine and others).  Soundtracks like Transistor already changed the way I look at the music I want to be making, and its that mood stuff that keeps me engaged with the writing I do.  I love me some good lyrics, but this song's words are probably only as important as in just-average deathmetal: giving it texture and the right vibe, but not honestly important.

Thanks for the listens and the comments!  We'll see what I can do with it, but it's not a terribly high priority.
#7Sunday · 08:51 AM
180 threads / 53 songs
1,929 posts
Canada
Hey TLS, I'm always a fan of what you do. I love that you have a dedication to your vision. No - its not a standard song, but I think that is good and should be encouraged. If the reason you are creating something is more about art rather than 'I wanted to make a pop song' then AWESOME

I was reminded of a Bauhaus type mood from this song, don't know if you've ever heard them.

Go for it!!
#8Wednesday · 02:28 AM
124 threads / 30 songs
1,407 posts
United States of America
TheKunadiun wrote…
Hey TLS, I'm always a fan of what you do. I love that you have a dedication to your vision. No - its not a standard song, but I think that is good and should be encouraged. If the reason you are creating something is more about art rather than 'I wanted to make a pop song' then AWESOME

I was reminded of a Bauhaus type mood from this song, don't know if you've ever heard them.

Go for it!!

Thank, K!  I felt a little presumptuous afterwards for making it sound like some songs aren't worth writingóit was definitely just a personal sentiment for my own musical drive.  The song ideas that interest me are the ones that play with either the form/presentation layer, or which commit 100% to pushing the lyrics into someplace engaging.  In this case, it was the form itself that had me interested.

An artsy fartsy defense, sure, but that was definitely the vision.  (And holy geez, yall don't want to hear the other pieces I did for this group of song ideas.  The best I can say about the other full-length one is "carnival piano meets grunge vocals".  If I ever refine that one, I'll need to back the fuck off of the carnival vibe...... )

I just got back down to Phoenix after some lengthy travel by boat and car, and now I'm working from a computer sitting on the empty floor of the new office, but I'll pull your new audio up soon and leave some feedback!
#9Yesterday · 07:10 PM
208 threads / 64 songs
2,287 posts
United Kingdom
\"Artsy Fartsy\"
the greatest....description ever!!

Great .... Fish
#10Today · 04:34 AM
155 threads / 29 songs
1,942 posts
United States of America
I like it. Love the piano and the haunting background vocals. I like the multi metered vocals and it is cool. The spoken word part it also a good idea. imho I would leave the reverb alone, copy the lead vocal track, keep it from hitting any FX at first then, hammer it with a good saturation plugin. Slowly bring it into the mix to sit just till you can slightly make it out. You'll still get the big washy reverb talking sound, it'll be just slightly more defined,  without compromising the feel and space that you're going for here.

 Nice Artsy Fartsy artwork.
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