#1November 12th, 2007 · 07:15 PM
130 threads / 34 songs
1,413 posts
United States of America
Lock Down, Move On [old c version]

This song is not in a battle

So, some of the things mentioned in the last version's thread were this:
-the guitar was a little messy (Jiminuk)
-i was laying down some perfect notes, but then was slapping out some really really bad ones too, since I was a bit sick and couldn't really reach certain pitches. (Dark)
-the music was dominating the vocal lines at points, but nobody else seems to have thought so (me)
-the harmony double-tracking was liked better than the other "fill in the breath gaps" doubling (Dark)
-my 1st chorus transition into the second verse was really sloppy, and so Kobeshi made a suggestion for fixing it.
-a full band arrangement would be nice (WritersBlock)

well, i cleaned up the guitar a bit, though some of you may think it's still a little messy.  I kind of like it the way it is at the moment, but that might be just me.  I hit some of those notes better, Dark-- I hope you notice I changed the mix volume to my liking.  tell me what you think of the double vocal lines-- i didn't change anything about them really.  the transition is a bit better and not so sharp.  it may not be perfect, but it's approaching what i envisioned.  still working on that full band arrangement idea   i'll let you know if there's any progress made there.

so, here's the [c] cut, which is not really different from what the {b} version in length or content.  It's mainly just cleaner.

personally, i want to redo the "than you" part at the ends of the chorusesesses, because i don't think they're quite matching the voal tone of the song.  i'll keep the part, but i'll have to modulate it up a bit next time i try. minor stuff.

Here are the lyrics, or.. at least as many as are recorded in this version:

Lock Down, Move On

Tonight, I'll be your One
You're right--this could be fun
Pack up your things,
we're going out
The sun sets in an hour
In memory of all the ones who tried,
but didn't make it
We are headed forwards
or we'll die trying

Lock down-- we're moving on
I haven't been trying so much, but it's hard to forget you
No, I haven't been trying so much, it's hard to forget you
We'll move, alone
We could drive away,
and I could see the sun light up your hair
We could ride away
We could see the cities,
all lit up like they're something more special than you

Round two:
What do you say to a flight, a winter getaway?
Pack up your things,
we'll see the world
This town sleeps in an hour
In memory of all the things we've tried,
that didn't work out
We are headed forwards
or we'll die trying

Lock down-- we're moving on
Bet you wouldn't leave me if I told you about the dreams I have
No, I bet you wouldn't leave me if I told you--
if I told you about the dreams I have
We could drive away,
and I could see the sun light up your hair
We could ride away
We could see the cities,
all lit up like they're something more special than you

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#2November 12th, 2007 · 07:47 PM
74 threads / 3 songs
529 posts
Cook Islands
great job!I like it a lot.except for in the beginning some of the voices got muddled up(not sure if it was intended or not).
has a bit of a chillout vibe and something else that I can't quite place..

amazing all the same!
will rate
#3November 12th, 2007 · 07:54 PM
49 threads / 42 songs
493 posts
United Kingdom
I like this, it's very TBS, but with a more acoustic feel... It loses direction a little bit in places but in all a great original track, a good performance especially vocally, and a good recording. Good job
#4November 12th, 2007 · 08:02 PM
130 threads / 34 songs
1,413 posts
United States of America
to better my song, which parts do you think "lose direction" , in your opinion?  I'm wanting to make this as good as i can before i go tackling a full-out recording of the whole darn song
#5November 12th, 2007 · 08:35 PM
8 threads / 7 songs
83 posts
Well... what can i say? It's like a new genre for me. Though the concept is pretty cool. I would want to see what can you do with this song on a full band instrumentation, i think that would be nice. But this version seems like an experimentation to me. It's nice, though not my thing. I insist, i want to hear this with a full instrumentation, will be expecting it.
#6November 13th, 2007 · 03:29 AM
10 threads / 10 songs
37 posts
You definatly have a different style, Interresting chord change spots, but you know where you're at, you know what you're after, You're breakin new boundarys, in my oppinion keep it up.

 I think future, and the cool stuff you'll make i'll look forward to hearing
#7November 13th, 2007 · 06:51 AM
127 threads / 43 songs
2,808 posts
Puerto Rico
The guitar sound is pretty good and so is the vocal recording.Some really good ideas,and hooks.My only thing is it all seems pushed into a sort of mesh of words and vocal arrangements scattered along the guitar track.The  music should have a little and vox would do well with some bore vocal breaks an dynamics.The actual ideas are pretty amazing in concept and you obviously know what your doing.Anyway thats my opinion.Very original style I do say and not in bad way!!!
The vox is excellent as far as control and projection!
#8November 13th, 2007 · 11:04 AM
77 threads / 45 songs
2,296 posts
United States of America
This is nice Tim...I liked the other version also...as far as suggestions ...I dont know....but I do know one thing...you have to go with your gut feeling on most of these things..not everyone is going to like something about a song and vice versa....you have to go with your gut feeling or it will drive you crazy...hope you get what Im saying here....nice work


will Rate
#9November 13th, 2007 · 11:11 AM
130 threads / 34 songs
1,413 posts
United States of America
yes, yes... I know what you mean-- I'm trying to get a good idea of what everyone thinks about it though, even if they don't end up liking parts.  I guess I'm not out to please everyone as much as I am trying to find out where I am at in peoples' minds.  I know that I can't make everyone like it, no matter how hard I work at it    I'll probably be writing the rest of the music for this tonight, so a more complete version will be up eventually.

Thanks for the comments, everybody-- I appreciate the time you've taken to review it, even if you already listened to the {b} version last week!  I'm glad that this is seen as something "new" for some of you, like a new genre, as JorgeBoscan put it.  I'm certainly going for something different than what you've most likely heard before.  Whether you like it or not, I hope listening to this has been a good experience :P

Later, friends
#10November 13th, 2007 · 11:38 AM
77 threads / 45 songs
2,296 posts
United States of America
ok  cool...it is a good idea to get opinons...dont get me wrong ...and Ill listen to the completed version also....later Tim

#11November 13th, 2007 · 03:30 PM
157 threads / 13 songs
2,299 posts
United Kingdom
re: Lock Down, Move On [c]
this has been spinning in the amp fer at least 6-7-8-9 plays now
you have a great voice ................
i like this song .............. very heart on your sleeve
pushy and frantic too
love 'we could FLY AWAY' line in 2 voice
has nice occasional 'open moments' to get your breath as a listener
great conversation with yourself almost says to me 'wished I had said that!!!!'   but didn't
many stars

splish splash

the fish
#12November 13th, 2007 · 03:50 PM
5 threads / 5 songs
327 posts
United Kingdom
this is amazing..i really like it..cant put my finger on who you remind me of...a well known singer..gosh! will rate...your really good..x
#13November 14th, 2007 · 03:05 PM
371 threads / 187 songs
3,365 posts
United Kingdom
I like this as an acoustic not sure if you added other things if it would work.

Yep has originality

The only thing i would change is the pan in the mix.

Keep the vox central and pan the gutar more left and right. you could copy and paste the rhythm and pan them left and right, it will give the song more dynamics and you vox will be more highlighted.

Very nice


#14November 27th, 2007 · 08:51 PM
14 threads / 14 songs
232 posts
United States of America
Yeah, I really liked your... double tracking. I wish you'd have left the original up so I could listen to it and give you a really good comparason. I listened to the other version so long ago (musically) that I really can't remember what my comments were refering to. I seemed to remember you being a little off on your vocals, but you seemed to have fixed it. Except in spot at... ~20-21 seconds when you say "ones" I donno it seemed off. But yea, the song kicks ass now and goes in my playlist. I don't remember the guitar work on the old one, but I don't remember having a problem with it, I love your banging on this one though. You really showed that guitar who was the boss!

That being said: I can't sing on key at all! So I am really not the one to take comments from on the vocals.
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